Living In Sin archives, sex and relationhip advice, Jen Sincero

Dear Jen,
I want to know if you would recommend bringing a small vibrator on my honeymoon. My fiancé and I haven't had sex in quite a while because we decided to hold off until after the wedding. She comes from a fairly conservative family, and sex was never really a topic of discussion. I've brought up the possibility of trying a vibrator before, but have never gotten a definitive answer. I think she would like it, and I'm sure it would help to increase her pleasure, and that's really what I care most about. Do you think it would be a good idea to bring one as a surprise, or wait until we've been married a while to bring it up again?
- Good Vibe/Bad Vibe

Dear Vibe,
There are certain situations where a sexy surprise might backfire - picture, for example, leaping out from behind a bush, naked, with a hard-on, as your weary fiancé returns home from work with a raging headache. Or pulling your hands away from her eyes to reveal the new grappling hooks swinging from the ceiling above your bed - ta dah! Then there are the foolproof surprises, the romantic dinners for two, the diamond bracelet slipped beneath her pillow, the hours of unreciprocated oral sex. So where does a small vibrator fit into all this? Depends on who's doing the vibing. In your case, we're talking about two people who've attempted to re-virginate themselves, and who can't really speak in full sentences about sex toys, so I'd say it fits in bed, at home, after the honeymoon and maybe even after a couple bottles of wine.

Because I get the feeling that you want your honeymoon to be as picture-perfect as the big day itself, with only the purest, fluffiest, air-brushiest memories possible. Bringing along something she's clearly uncomfortable with is a loose cannon that could easily put a stain on your lilly white day. Either that, or it will wake up her inner whore and it'll be the hottest night of your life. Who knows? Your choice comes down to how badly you want everything to go smoothly - are you willing to take a risk on this magical day, the one you've voluntarily suffered months'-worth of blueballs for, or would you rather play it safe?

Ideally, I'd love to see you whip out the vibrator before the wedding. It's rill important to make sure the person you're going to stay with till death do you part is able to properly peel your banana, so even though I find your abstinence romantic (sort of...actually, not really), it worries me. What if she finds your wee vibe the lowest form of perversion, second only to deviating from the missionary position or doing it with the lights on? That's some crucial information you'll want to have before you take a vow to forsake all others.

Dear Jen,
I'd like your comment on the whole "who's responsible for pregnancy" dilemma. If a woman says she's on the pill and tells you you don't need to wear a condom, she can arrange a birth control failure (it happened to me). The general consensus seems to be that the man has responsibility for the child because he went without a condom voluntarily. The dilemma is this: when having sex with a partner who says you don't need a condom, to try to use one anyway accuses her of incompetence, and an insulted woman ain't gonna give ya any.
- Accidental Daddy

Dear Daddy,
For starters, I suggest you stop having sex with psychos, and that you wait until you have a solid base of trust (and some blood tests) before you go at it unprotected. "It's ok, I'm on the pill?" What about, "it's ok, I was just tested"? Or, "I drive on acid all the time, I'm fine, get in the car"? It's real fun to blame other people for our terrible decisions, but it's more fun to be a grown up.

You are responsible for wearing a condom, just as a woman is responsible for demanding you wear one. Anybody who finds that insulting in this day and age is too stupid to be having sex. Seriously. Do not fornicate with these people. Wouldn't you rather go home and masturbate than sign up for eighteen years of child support duties or catch something that's gonna kill you?

If you've been with this person for a while and feel like you were deceived, that is a different story. Sort of. Because as much as I'd have loved to have shaken my fist at the sky and cursed my bad luck after some of the psychos I've dated, it was my choice to be with them. Could've chosen someone healthy. Didn't. So sometimes it really is dumb luck, but usually it's dumb ole you.

You can't control what other people do, only what you yourself do. And you yourself needs to start setting a good example for your kid by making wise, adult decisions. And by taking the blame for it when you don't.

Dear Jen,
My girlfriend and I have been together for about three years. She is gorgeous, hilarious, and fun - she's my best friend and I feel so lucky to have found her. I'm just wondering, though, where you draw the line between best friend and lover, because I recently got in trouble with her and I'm not sure who's right.

There's this new girl who started working at my job who I find hellishly sexy. She's much younger than I am, and I have this ridiculous crush on her, but would never do anything (unless my girlfriend was up for a threesome, which I know she's not). I'm like a giggly schoolgirl around her, I get tongue-tied and probably blush, and I think it's really funny. Plus, it's exciting to feel that way after not having felt it for so long.

I told my girlfriend about it, and expected her to find it funny too, but she got really mad at me. We both know I wouldn't actually act on anything, so I can't believe she's getting jealous! Here I thought I was being open and sharing a good laugh, and now I'm in trouble. Am I being a jerk, or does she need to loosen her bone, Wilma?
- Me and My Big Mouth

Dear Big Mouth,
And the answer is.....you are being a jerk. How would you feel if your girlfriend came home all aflutter over some hotty girl she worked with, eight hours a day, forty hours a week, bending over to pick up lord only knows how many pencils? It's not all about you and your ego boosts - you are responsible for someone else's feelings. So you need to be careful about putting your significant other downwind of you batting your eyelashes at someone else, because that's a great way to blow one cold and nasty breeze over your relationship.

Why all the drama? Because everyone needs to feel special. And the fact that you love your girlfriend, and come home to her every night, does just that. Talking about Ms. Newbiepants' righteous young melons does not.

I don't by any means think we should go in to have our flirting mechanisms snipped off the second we commit to someone, because I think flirting is healthy. It keeps the juices flowing, keeps your nipples hard, keeps you feeling fresh and sexy, which can spice up your relationship at home. It just needs to be done with a certain degree of sensitivity. Unless you guys have some sort of agreement, don't do it in front of the person you're with, and don't talk about it either. Not with her, anyway. It's like noticing a new wrinkle on someone's face, or finding their poopy panties on the bathroom floor - sometimes it's kinder to leave certain things undiscussed.

Dear Jen,
I've been having a great fling with this guy for about a year. He lives with his boyfriend, and I'm his regular side trick who he sees once or twice a week. We get along fine, the sex is through the roof, and I can lead my own, independent life.

At least this is how it was. A few weeks ago he and his boyfriend split up, and now he's calling all the time and stopping by unannounced. I like this guy, we're friends and all, but no way do I want a boyfriend. I know I'm hurting him by not returning his calls for days at a time, and I don't want to push him away (especially since the sex is so hot), but he keeps trying to get more out of me. I went out to my car last night and he'd washed it and left a rose on the windshield. Sure, it's nice, but he's getting whiney and I feel stifled. I told him that I can't see him any more than I already do, but he's not having it. How can I get it back to the way it was?
- Hot Sex, Hold the Strings Please

Dear Hot Sex,
I wonder the same thing all the time - why can't everyone just do exactly what I want them to? Why do they insist on boring me with their annoying needs? Clearly this guy isn't as good at the fling thing as you are, so the way I see it, you have two choices. One is finding him someone, other than yourself, to love. And doing it quickly. Get him happily burrowed up someone else's butt and then maybe, if you're lucky, you can go back to being the side dish.

The other option is to shake him off your leg for good - surely there's someone out there who can fiddle your faddle just as well as he can without the irritating cling?! If he bugs you that much I can't imagine why you bother - I mean, is he toothless or something.

Dear Jen,
I'm a straight male in my late thirties who seems to attract bi-sexual women. My most recent girlfriend was older than I am, but I was her first male lover. Another girlfriend was experienced with men, but it eventually became clear that she had the hots for her female roommate. Nothing happened between them, unfortunately, at least while we were together. Then there is a bi friend of mine who acts very jealous when she sees me show interest in other women, but who hasn't dated men since I've known her, only women.

What does this say about me? I'm open to their experimentation, especially if it includes me, but I want to know what I'm getting into early on, and am beginning to think I should ask the orientation question on the first or second date.
- Dude Feels Like A Lady

Dear Dude,
Did you ever take a moment to marvel at the fact that geese can migrate over entire continents, way up high in the air, no maps, no walkie talkies, and find their way back to the same lakes and ponds, year after year? They just instinctively know where to go somehow. Meanwhile, we humans can't even find someone at the airport without calling them ten times to make sure we know exactly which curb they're waiting by. But this doesn't mean we're totally out of touch with our inner GPS systems - give us an unhealthy relationship pattern, or a need to sabotage our careers, and we hit the bulls-eye, over and over, every time. Not only that, but we then act like victims of circumstance, rather than own up to the fact that we seek these situations out. Like it happened to us, rather than because of us. Why can't we be more like the birds? When's the last time you heard a goose talking about how amazing it is that the same lake finds him year after year?

So, first, I think we need to acknowledge the fact that your 6th sense is on the lookout for bi-enthusiastic women. You may feel like they glom on to you, but I bet if we took twenty straight chicks and one bi one, dressed them up like chickens, gave you a net and dressed you up like Colonel Sanders, you'd catch the bi bird. Never underestimate the power of intuition.

Luckily, in your case, your instincts seem to be working in your favor. From the sound of it, you rather enjoy being with experimental ladies, especially if you can get in on a piece of the action. I don't see anything wrong with this, so I'm not sure why you'd want to interrogate them over your first bowl of pasta together. That sounds kind of icky and accusatory to me. I think it would make much more sense to just admit that this is what you're into, stop bragging about all the girl-on-girl action you're getting, and thank your lucky stars that your honing devices are working with such flawless precision.

Dear Jen,
I just recently lost my virginity, and even though my boyfriend is fantastically patient, loving, and understanding, sex still hurts for me. I know it'll stop hurting eventually, but is there anything special I can do to lessen the pain as soon as possible? I really want this to start being fun!
- Love Hurts

Dear Love,
Well, that's what happens to people who have pre-marital sex, you filthy little whore! Either that or you have what's known as Dyspareunia, which is a fancy name for painful intercourse. Since I don't know where your pain is (deep inside you, in your vagina, or around your opening), or whether your boyfriend is hung like a tree trunk or not, it's hard for me to narrow down the problem. But here are some possibilities:

1.) You have Vaginismus, which is a fancy name for a spasm of the vaginal muscles. This is often psychological, and occurs if you have negative emotions around sex or subconsciously expect pain during intercourse.

2.) If it's deep inside you, it could be that you have a tilted uterus, fibroid growths, or infected ovaries.

You could also have an allergy to latex that's being aggravated by the condoms you're using, you could need to use some lube, or you could be allergic to the lube you are using....the possibilities are endless. But luckily, almost everything it could be is treatable. Go online and google around to see what you can find that matches your symptoms. Here are some good sites I found: http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/sex_relationships/facts/painfulintercourse.htm

I also recommend talking to your doctor about it. And opting out of actual intercourse until the pain is treated. And then, once it's dealt with, getting back on that horse and riding like it never tossed you off in the first place.

Dear Jen,
My sole mission when it comes to sex is to pleasure my girlfriend as much as possible, but for some reason, she has always resisted this pressure. She doesn't really like it when I go down on her, and she often has problems having orgasms. I don't know if this is a control issue (mine or hers), but nevertheless, it has always frustrated me.

When we tried having anal sex, we used plenty of lube, but unfortunately, after repeated times of not being able to work it in, she got frustrated and wanted to stop. This would have been a good time to have listened, but I gave it one more good shot, it slid in (arguably too far), and she immediately ran out, crying.

I am rather conflicted in my endeavors and must admit, I am totally clueless as to what to do. Is my pursuit of pleasure unfounded since my partner doesn't wish it? Is my partner a control-freak who is scared of confronting her inner sexual being? Or, more likely, am I missing something?
- Confused Cassanova

Dear Cass,
Wow, well, I'm thanking my lucky stars that your sole mission isn't to pleasure me as much as possible.

I found your letter to be really bizarre. Among other things. You seem to understand that you actually pressure your girlfriend to enjoy the things you do to her, regardless of whether she finds them enjoyable or not. And that ramming your dick into her ass when she asked you not to was perhaps not such a swell idea. Woops! And yet, you seem genuinely confused as to why she's not enjoying herself. I'm confused too, I really am.

I think the main problem here is that your sole mission when it comes to sex is to pleasure yourself as much as possible. Because when you're doing things "for her," you're really doing them because it makes you feel good to think you're making her feel good, even if you're not making her feel good. And this is why neither of you wind up feeling good. Understand?

So, hows abouts asking her what makes her feel good? And then when she answers, hows abouts you listen? This is assuming she's not so overpowered by you that she can still form words with her mouth.

To answer your question, your pursuit of pleasure is indeed unfounded if, as you say, your partner doesn't wish it. This is a little something we call rape. It sucks being with someone who doesn't enjoy sex as much as you do, but forcing yourself on her is wrong wrong wrong. And will make her enjoy sex, and you, less less less. And if you keep it up, she'll be calling the cops cops cops.

She is fully entitled to tell you what you can and can't do to her body. So you have to accept her as she is, or go find yourself someone you're more compatible with. Pressuring her to do stuff she doesn't want to, and forcing yourself on her, are many things, none of which are sexy.

Dear Jen,
I have a question, and since you're a chick I can pretty much guess which side you'll be on, but in hopes that you can be somewhat diplomatic, I want to ask you: why is it that guys are expected to put the toilet seat down, when it would be just as considerate, and easy, for women to leave it up for us?
- 2 Sides To Every Toilet Seat

Dear 2 Sides,
I can see why this is somewhat of a mystery to you, since you don't sit down every time you use the toilet. But as someone who has more than once scraped the bottom of the bowl with her ass due to the seat being up when I sat down, I will cast my vote for the ladies (I have a friend who actually got stuck in there once. It took two people and a bar of soap to wriggle her out). So yes, we could just as easily leave it up, but you don't have as much to lose by mistakenly doing your thing with the seat in the wrong place. It's like putting a rollerskate in the middle of the floor - you could just as easily put it in the closet, but if you don't, someone could very possibly land on their ass.

I also think it just looks better since the lower rim is oft covered with wee wee.

And in general, it's just one of the many sweet, gentlemanly ways to say, "I care about your butt."

Dear Jen,
I've been happily attached to the same gal for over 15 years now, so my

understanding of what goes on out there in humpity-bumpity land is limited to what I see from time to time on the internet. And what I see makes me wonder about a coupla things: what's up with condom use and pubic hair?

OK, condoms first. From what I see, everyone is slurping each other from top to bottom and poking about with tongues and fingers with no condom in sight. When it's finally time for the red meats to meet, on comes the latex raincoat--bang, bang, bang, for however long--and then off it comes just in time for the fella to splatter the chick with the seeds of life (...or death, as the case may be) over every curved inch of her body, within scant millimeters of where the worst damage can be done. Can you tell me what, exactly, is being protected against by this practice? Are not all the dangerous pitfalls of sexual conduct being flirted herewith, except for during the actual act Itself? I don't get it.

And pubic hair: is it comin' or goin' these days? For the longest time, pubes were few and far between on the little screen. Now I'm starting to see 5-o'clock shadows, if not virtual forests, showing up again in the nether regions. I gotta say, I really missed the stuff and am delighted to see it making a comeback. Why would you say it disappeared in the first place? Do you think it's back, and will it stick around for awhile?
-No sé José

Dear José,
Condoms first: I'm sorry to say that you are indeed correct - using a condom only during sexual penetration is like wearing a bib while eating a whale - you're gonna get stuff on you. But since the scariest cooties are passed on through things like cuts and mucus membranes, unless semen or blood or herpes sores or whatever makes contact with either of these, you're in fairly good shape. Doing porn is risky mostly because you have so many different opportunities to catch things from so many different partners. Who also have so many different partners. And so on, and so on....but maybe that's all just part of having a dangerous job, like working in a sawmill or being in the army. The main difference being that no one ever sees any workman's comp or federal aid for contracting a touch of the HIV's.

And pubic hair: According to Wikipedia, the Brazilian Bikini Wax came to the U.S. in 1987 when a group of Brazilian sisters opened up a salon in lower Manhattan. Eventually, celebrities such as Paula Yates and Gwyneth Paltrow began gushing about the joys of having no hair down there, and suddenly, pubes across the country were fearing for their lives. As to whether or not the bush is back, Wikipedia and I have no idea. But if it is, and if I had to guess as to why (which I do since I have no fricken idea), I'd say it's because some celebrity was out sunning in the nude, got busted with a big muff, and now the Brazilian sisters are out looking for new jobs.

Dear Jen,
My fiancé and I have sex on a regular basis, but we only have it when he's the one to initiate it. He doesn't enjoy affection in any way and gets really upset if I touch him. This has obviously caused me to have a low self-esteem, and has made me so uncomfortable when we are having sex that I don't enjoy it, and haven't had an orgasm with him in over a year. I know that the answer is to talk to him about it, but when I try, he shuts down. No other aspect of our relationship has this kind of difficulty, so I would really like to fix it.
- Waiting For My Turn

Dear Waiting,
So let me get this straight: This guy recoils from your touch, only allows sex when he wants it, refuses to communicate, makes you feel like poop, hasn't given you an orgasm in over a year, and you're going to marry him? Really? You really are going to marry him?

Why not just keep him around to go bowling with, or hit him up for a ride to the airport every now and then, rather than trap yourself in an uncommunicative, affectionless, emotionally abusive marriage? If he was open to working through this stuff with you, I'd suggest you get some couples counseling, but since he's not, I'm going to suggest you get a new fiancé instead. No Communication = Game Over. And perhaps you could use a wee bit of counseling yourself - you've got to learn to up your standards before sticking out your ring finger.

Dear Jen,
My roommate and I have lived together for about six months, and everything was going great until recently when she hooked up with this new guy. I'm now kept awake night after night by her screams and yowls of pleasure. I want her to have fun and feel free in her own home, but I also want to get some sleep and not have images of her doing the nasty burned onto my brain. My questions is this: is being loud an uncontrollable part of sex for some people? I realize I make some noise sometimes, but she sounds like she's getting murdered in there. Can I ask her to tone it down, or should I go out and get myself some earplugs?
- Sleepless In Silverlake

Dear Sleepless,
Oh god, is there anything worse than listening to other people getting all beasty? Everyone who's ever had a neighbor or a roommate has some awful story about it - "she sounded like a dying ox" or "I could hear them high-fiving after they came together." I had a neighbor who only got it on at three in the morning, or on Sunday afternoons when I had my knitting group over. She'd moan at the top of her lungs for a good twenty minutes, like she was getting serviced by The Tongue Machine. My neighbors and I would marvel at seeing her freshly-scrubbed, wimpy little boyfriend leaving the house, unable to believe that THAT was what all the commotion was about (really, the guy looked about twelve. He was always eating candy, too).

Meanwhile my neighbor, dubbed The Orgasmatron by everyone within a five mile radius, was a soft-spoken, fluttery-eyed, shy little thing. Did you ever notice that? It's always the quiet ones, the ones who leave parties and drive all the way across town to their own houses should they need to take a poop, that have no problem bullhorning their way through sex. It made it real hard for me explain to her that she made my nights sleepless and my knitting groups extra-spinstery, so rather than deal with it like a grown up, I stormed out onto my front steps one frigid evening and screamed in my best trailer-park holler for her to shut the fuck up already.

Which is not my advice to you, even though we never heard a peep again. But it does prove that people can indeed get off without sharing their passion with an unwilling audience. Your roommate included. I'm sure if she was spending the night at grandmas with her man, for instance, and was feeling a little frisky, they'd find a way to pull it off without scaring the nice old lady. So it's not that she can't be quiet, it's that she's too inconsiderate to make the effort.

It's not fair of her to put you in this uncomfortable position, but perhaps she's unaware of how loud she is. I doubt it, but let's give her the benefit of the doubt since she's been good up until now. I'd have a little roommate "us talk" and tell her what's up. If she's as good a roommate as you say she is, she'll be embarrassed and apologetic and tone it down. If not, it looks like you may just get caught up in a moment of passion of your own and start blasting Houses of the Holy at three a.m. when she's trying to sleep.

Dear Jen,
What kind of signs should I be looking for to tell if a woman is into me or not? There's this chick that I'm head over heels about, and I know she's dated women ( although I think she dates guys for a cover up), but with me, she just stares ( a lot), makes jokes ( about sex!!), and we have fun but she never makes a move. And I know she knows I like her. And I also know, or rather feel, that she doesn't see me as just a friend. So how do I develop this radar? I really don't have it! God!!!
- Blind as a Bat

Dear Bat,
Are you serious? You basically just told me that this woman flirts with you, stares at you, LIKES you as more than a friend, but that you just don't know if she's into you? "One time, she asked if she could sit on my face, but I'm not sure, there really wasn't anywhere else to sit. Plus my face is really comfortable."

I'll tell you what you really don't have: cojones. You have every sign you need, minus a signed declaration of her lust for you. Ask her out already. Plant a kiss on her. People have gone forward with far less to go on and have succeeded. Your risk factor here is weensy. Your weenie factor is huge. Get on with it, woman!

Dear Jen
I'm a virgin who's never slept with a man or a woman (though I'm interested in both). I want to save my, um, penetration virginity until I get married, and am thinking my best bet would be to get a girlfriend. Could I have the fullest sex life possible with a female lover without involving any penetration?
- No Go In My Hole

Dear No Go,
The fullest sex life? No. A fully hot one? Sure. You could have a pretty ripper one with a guy too. Or two guys. And two girls. And a police uniform. And some shackles and a ping pong paddle or two. Your clit is an outdoor pet, and since she's pretty much the ring leader when it comes to female sexual pleasure, keeping your insides off limits can still make for a pretty fun party.

I think it's real important to wait until you're good and ready to do whatever it is that you need to be good and ready to do. So I'm glad to hear you talking like this. But should your hole in the wall start screaming out for some company before anyone gets down on bended knee, I really hope you go ahead and stick something up there. I respect you wanting to wait, I just don't get the point if you find yourself ready, willing, and able. Because I can't for the life of me understand the whole virgin thing. According to the rules, you could invite the entire population of Texas to line up and take turns fiddling around with your sexy bits, but as long as Mr. Johnson doesn't stick your V-shaped hat on his head, you're still a virgin? A pure, wholesome, good little girl?

Plus, as someone who's walked the earth for several decades without ever having said, "I do," it seems such an odd goal. What if you don't find a spouse until you're forty? Fifty? Ever?

I guess I can see how saving oneself could be a nice, romantic idea if you're under, say, twenty-three, but once you start piling on the years, it would start getting real old. And real hard. Real fast. Nature hates a vacuum. And honey, so do I. I wish you the best of luck!

Dear Jen,
I started a new job two months ago and met this guy who I had incredible chemistry with. We flirted pretty steadily for the first couple weeks, and then one day after work, he just blurted out that he wanted me to go home with him. Which I did, and it was great, but that was three weeks ago and it's been really awkward ever since. He won't talk to me, makes a point of avoiding me, and I hate that I have to see him everyday. Especially since I want to sleep with him again. What should I do?
- Business Booty

Dear Booty,
For starters, you should stop making really stupid, irresponsible decisions. Then you should work on your self esteem issues and try to figure out why dickheads who treat you with zero respect are so sexy to you. Then you might want to avoid him, focus on your work, stop letting your inner whore call the shots, get over it, and learn not to poop where you dine.

I have a theory that if you stick two people with the same sexual orientation (two gay men, a hetero man and woman, etc.) in a room, and keep them there for a long enough period of time, some degree of sexual tension will float to the surface. I don't care how mealy-mouthed and beady-eyed they may be, if they're in the room with you, day after day, someone is going to let loose a pheromone or two. Could be a big stinker, could be silent but deadly, but it will be there, lingering in the air, regardless of whether or not you'd be caught dead actually sleeping with that person. Because it's not always about having sex, but more about making a subconscious nod to the fact that that person has a sexual side. That sex is in the house, if you will.

That's just my theory. And I bring it up not because I've had sex dreams about nearly everyone I've ever worked with including the mouth breather from human resources, but because I want you to know that your situation is not unique. In your case, the feeling was mutual, but feelings come and feelings go, and if you're going to see someone 40 hours a week, every week, every month, all year long with only two weeks vacation, I suggest you call off the horn dogs long enough to see if there's something good there. If there is, proceed slowly and maturely, otherwise going to work can become a much harder job.

Dear Jen,
Can you get intestinal parasites from anal/oral play? I enjoy giving and receiving this, but am sometimes a little bit shy about it for fear of picking up some nasty stuff. Is this an anal-phobic myth or a reasonable concern?

If you think about all the little sex-given goodies out there - crabs, warts, blisters, rashes, scabies, ulcers, hemorrhoids, discharge, jaundice, fissures, unidentifiable crusty stuff - it's a wonder any of us ever take our pants off.

You're correct in thinking it's possible to get parasites from performing analingus, but luckily, just like with the rest of this stuff, there are ways to protect yourself. You can pick up protective barriers such as dental dams or Glyde dams at any good sex shop - then simply lay the sheet of soft, silky latex over their buttinsky and start licking away. If you're caught up in a hot moment and don't have either on hand, grab some plastic wrap from the kitchen - it works just as well. All will protect your mouth from making contact with the wormhole, thereby preventing you from ingesting the parasites and getting infected yourself (should your partner even have any, obviously).

And while I salute you for getting all the facts and being responsible, make sure you don't get so caught up with worry that you forget to enjoy yourself. It's like sitting down to polish off an entire pizza and spending the whole time thinking, "oh this is bad. This is real bad. This is going straight to my hips." It's totally pointless. I know enough sluts to fill several locker rooms, and none of us have ever had a case of the bugs. So just be smart and careful and start rimming your little heart out.

Dear Jen,
I'm a 22 year old woman and I'm dating a 27 year old guy whom I adore. We've been together for a few months, and lately it seems he's lost interest in me. We're running a new business from home, and I know that times are tough and money is tight, but he treats me like the secretary who he just sleeps beside at night but doesn't have sex with. I really love him, and want to be there for him, but I want to be treated like his girlfriend too. We've talked about it, and he seems really aloof about the whole thing. What should I do?

Why oh why didn't you write me a couple of months ago and ask me if you should start a business with your uncommunicative new boyfriend???

Starting a business with someone is like having a baby with someone, and most people wait a while to get to know each other before committing to such huge undertakings. You want to be sure you can count on your partner before diving in, that they can hold their weight, work well with you, communicate, be fun, be creative, and not freak out too much when something starts to smell real bad. The better you know them, the more you'll know what you're in for when times get tough.

So what can you do? Sit and wait in silent desperation and hope that Mr. Aloofypants will snap out of it? If the business starts running smoothly and the money starts coming in, he just might do that. He also just might check out and start treating you like poop again the second anything else goes wrong.

You could also try suggesting that you guys set aside some time for a date night, or some other sort of romantic type deal that has nothing to do with your work. All my friends who run successful businesses with their significant others make this a priority, dorky as it may sound. To have a successful relationship, you've got to work on the romantic stuff just as much as the rest of it. Which in your case will be hard to do if Dude isn't listening to you. Which leads me to my last and strongest suggestion: cut your losses and leave his sorry ass before you get in any deeper. My concern isn't that he's too exhausted or freaked out to have sex with you - new businesses are really stressful, and even though you guys should still be attached at the groin three months into it, I could see it - but that he's unwilling to talk about it. A relationship without communication is like a sandwich without bread, a tooth with no gum, a flip with no flop - it's not going to work. There's nothing you can do to make it work if your concerns aren't worthy of his time, so deal with the one person who's listening to you, yourself, and go get what's best for her.

Dear Jen,
I'm 20 years old and consider myself straight. However, I go to an all-women's college that happens to be full of hot lesbians, and I've been thinking more and more about experimenting, but feel like I'll have to do the whole "coming out of the closet" thing. Also, when it comes the type of girls I like, I realize that I am a total womanizer! I tend to be completely shallow, only interested in stunningly beautiful, fashionable, skinny girls. Coming from a feminist, these thoughts scare the shit out of me. I feel like I don't deserve to try it. But since it's just experimentation, and most likely purely sexual, is this so bad?

I personally cannot think of anything that would dry me up faster than feeling I had to argue my sexual platform to a university full of women after my very first cross-campus walk of shame. You will psych yourself out faster than you can say "girls gone wild!" if you saddle yourself with so giant a task. Right now you're merely looking to rent an apartment, not buy a mansion, so let's leave sexual politics alone and focus on getting you some hot supermodel ass.

The key here is to be sure of yourself, because if you're fine with who you are, you will be rubber, and anyone with an attitude will be glue. So let's work on re-connoitering your perspective. Here are some things you need to consider:

1.) Everytime you hook up with anyone it's an experiment, so defining it right off the bat is a big fat waste of time.

5.) Plenty of people have passed on sniffing up your skirt because they weren't attracted to you, and they weren't worried about being bad feminists.

5.) Chasing after chicks with hairy upper lips isn't going to make you a better feminist, just a dishonest one.

As I've learned from the bumper stickers on many a Volvo, "Feminism is the radical idea that women are people." Why then are we portrayed as marching around in itchy wool socks with frizzy hair and permanent scowls on our faces? I'm a feminist, all my hot and smartypants friends are feminists, yet should someone say, hey, "I'm going to a party with a bunch of feminists, wanna come?," my fight or flight instincts would kick in just as quick as anyone else's. Talk about a word that needs a serious face lift! You and I have both fallen prey to this nasty perception - I propose we forgo the feminist fists for a more, "I dig my fine feminine ass and am going to make sure she gets exactly what she deserves, emotionally, financially, and sexually," attitude. And if what that means for you is nailing only supermodels, then so be it. Real sexual equality allows for all types of attraction, and as long as everyone involved is enjoying themselves, who cares what it looks like?

Dear Jen,
You spout all kinds of wisdom that's basically begging people to become self-validating. But my question is this: How do you justify offering people validation while you're trying to get them to validate themselves? Isn't all your wonderful advice eventually feeding their need for someone else's stamp of approval?

I gotta say, your question really stymied me. I usually have some sort of gut response to the things people write in about, but your letter left me with a big blank bellyful of nothin. I re-read your question over and over, got up and dusted off my desk, clipped my toenails, took a pee (the toilet being the portal for my most profound thoughts). I made a grilled cheese sandwich, re-read your question, laid face down on my bed, picked the burrs out of my cat's underbelly - I even went to Loehman's to see if they had any 36" inseam jeans on sale but still, nothin. I finally decided to chew it over with some of my friends, and the general consensus was, "hmmm, she's got you there. What the hell are you gonna say?" And I thought, what can I say? She's totally right.

It is hypocritical to tell someone not to worry about what other people think. But here's the thing: it's really hard not to care what other people think. Everyone's got to start somewhere - we can't all be in love with Number One without a lot of work. My jumping up and down on the sidelines with my pom poms serves much the same purpose as training wheels do. I try to get people up and running, to play my tiny part in taking away the wobbliness and fear of falling that's keeping them from taking off, with the ultimate goal of them not needing me, or anyone else, to steady them. So, yes, there is my answer. And if anyone can tell me where the hell I can find some pants long enough to fit me I'd really appreciate it.

Dear Jen,
As I've grown older (I'm now 52) I've noticed that I require more verbal stimulation during sex with my wife in order to orgasm. This stimulation usually takes the form of my wife describing, in detail, her past sexual adventures, or pretending that I am the hunky waiter that served us at dinner. She will tell me how her past lovers were much better than I am, or she'll call me by the waiter's name and tell him (me) how much bigger he is compared to her husband. Is this wrong to do?

In a perfect world, instead of letters like yours, I'd be getting the following:

Dear Jen,
My wife and I have a very respectable sex life. We never discuss it and only do it with the lights out. We condemn and fear masturbation, homosexuality, toys, role playing, fetishism, filth, and flogging. We have never screamed "who's your daddy?!" in a moment of passion, never pulled hair, spanked fannies, or gotten rugburns, and would rather take a bullet than stick anything up our butts.

Yet it's people like you - the healthy, the brave, the whisperers of degrading and filthy nothings - that are worried there's something wrong. Which is the only thing that's wrong. Everything else gets two thumbs up - your openness, your sexual camaraderie with your wife, your budding fetishism, your lack of jealousy, and your ability to refer to another man as hunky. I urge you to go online and seek out your fellow dominants and submissives if you haven't done so already. You'll quickly learn that you are part of a vast, kinky family - the kind of family you've always dreamed of. They'll cheer you on, give you new ideas, and instead of getting drunk and flinging family dramas across the table at you on the holidays, they're more likely to show up naked on all fours and beg you to kick them. But most importantly, they'll help you accept the fact that if having your wife stick her boot in your mouth and call you a pathetic louse is wrong, you don't want to be right.

Dear Jen,
I'm either having trouble finding my G-spot, or I've found it and it's broken or something. I've poked around on the spongy part in the front of my vagina, which is where I hear it's supposed to be, but I don't see fireworks when I touch it. So where exactly is this thing and how can I tell if mine's working or not?

I remember when the G-spot made its debut back in the day. It was like this magic, shimmering jewel that sexual archeologists had uncovered deep within the folds of the pre-historic vaginal caves. We were told it held the key to the ultimate orgasm, and suddenly the treasure hunt was on. Women everywhere dug deep inside themselves, and men were ordered to grab flashlights, goggles, and wooden spoons. It became the absolute must-have fashion accessory to every girl's sex life, and you either had these screamer vaginal orgasms or you lied about having them. The good news was that the female O was no longer living in silent captivity, but was finally being shoved blinking and confused into the spotlight. But while all these chicks were strutting around bragging about multiple this, vaginal that, hardly any of them could tell you what a G-spot was, or give you decent directions to where you might be able find yourself one. Today there's much more information about it, but you're not alone in feeling a tad fuzzy on the details.

1.) The G-spot is not in the vagina, but is rather a mass of erectile tissue that surrounds the urethra.

3.) Some people feel pleasure, some people feel pain, and some people feel nothing at all when it's played with.

To find yours, slide a pair of fingers inside yourself with the pads of your fingers facing your bellybutton. Bend your fingers into a hook shape, and feel around your vaginal wall for a textured patch of skin. Because the G-spot is made up of erectile tissue, it's wise to get yourself all hot and bothered before going on a quest. This is because erectile tissue fills with blood when you're aroused (it was made internationally famous by the penis, but the ladies have their fair share of the stuff, as it's also found in the clitoris, perineum, and anus). So if you get it all juiced up and fat, it'll be bigger and easier to find, plus it'll be more sensitive. They also make a slew of sex toys specifically designed for G-spot stimulation that you may want to check out - basically, anything phallic with a curved sorta end.

So there you have it. Give it another shot, but don't despair if you get there and hear nothing but crickets. You may just be one of those people who don't get off on the G thang, but luckily there are plenty of other ways to send yourself screaming through the roof.

Dear Jen,
My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly three years. We have broken up over and over in that amount of time, and we recently had a big fight that I think has broken us up for good - I just found out that she went on a date with another chick and kissed her, and we'd only been broken up for a matter of days! She still wants me back, and I still love her, but I'm pissed off at her. What should I do? Do you think I should try and work things out, or just forget about her and move on?

When I was little, my younger brother and I had this routine where he'd come up and poke me in the arm, and I'd turn around and send him flying across the room. He'd howl his head off for a couple of minutes, wipe away the tears, and then come over and poke me in the arm again. This would go on for hours until he got bored or it was time for dinner, but Mom never stepped in because, "it was just too incredible. I either had to let him figure it out on his own, or worry that I had a severe moron for a child." After about a year he grew out of it, which is the big difference between my story and yours, since it says here that you're closing in on year three. That and the fact that my brother was still in diapers, and I'm assuming you've been granted the right to vote.

Your letter amazes me because it poses a much bigger question than the one it's asking: Why is it that most of us "grown ups" can't see a problem even if it's sitting right there on our own faces? Our friends can see it no problemo, and we can see theirs, but we lose all sense of sight, sound, and dignity when it comes to our most blazingly obvious bad decisions. Especially if the sex is really hot.

Believe me, I'm in no position to judge you on this - my friends have been rolling their eyes at me for years - but I'm flabbergasted by the realization of just how blind we all can be. Or rather how blind we choose to be. Because a lot of our questions are as complex as: I'm hitting myself in the head with a hammer and it really hurts. Should I stop? We know the answer, but in order to stay in the comfort zone of familiar wrongs that have been done to us in the past, or to validate our feelings of unworthiness, we fuzz it all up with stuff about missing the hammer and worrying that the muscle tone in our swinging arm will be compromised. Silly, ain't it?

Your relationship is a whole lot of drama with some shredded drama sprinkled on top, cooked in a heavy drama sauce and baked in a drama pan. Methinks perhaps you've been raised on this diet, but it's time to change your ways. Miss Kissedanotherchick has given you a great gift by pissing you off - she's given you the much-needed strength to give her the old heave ho. Don't wait around and get sucked back in by hot make-up sex - get while the gettins good!

Dear Jen,
I'm a 38 year old, HIV positive gay man. I recently broke up with my partner and am back in the dating scene for the first time in years. How long should I wait before telling the person I'm dating that I'm positive?

There's a scene in Brokeback Mountain where, at the end of one of their forbidden, excruciatingly beautiful weeks together, Ennis tells Jack that he can't see him that summer as they'd planned. Jack freaks out and says "You know, you had a whole week to say something about this!" When? The first day? The third? Jack, does it really matter when? I bring this up because I bring up Brokeback Mountain whenever I can*, and also to illustrate the point that there's never an easy time to tell someone something huge and emotional.

In your case, it's mostly important that you tell him before you partake in any sort of sexual activity that would put him at risk. And, if it's not just a quickie, try to give it a few dates. Wait until there's a connection and an understanding that you both like each other and want to take it further. The more comfortable you feel with him, the easier it will be.

Keep in mind that while your secret may be big and scary, you're not the only one lugging stuff around. Who knows, maybe he'll be sitting across from you, staring into your eyes and wondering when the hell he's going to tell you that he's got nine children and a poop fetish?

*I've seen Brokeback Mountain 7 times and am a full-blown, Jake-Gyllehhaal-picture-cutting-out-and-pasting-it-on-my -wall-crazy lady about it. I mention this 1.) so I don't get any flak for referring to "the gay movie" to answer a gay man's question 2.) so, you know, if anyone wants to maybe share their favorite Brokeback Mountain movie moments with me they can.

Dear Jen
My wife and I had a 3-some involving another man and she was pleasured by him in a way I've never seen her be before. It was so good, she ended up leaving me for him, but, to make a very long story short, we recently got back together because we realized how much we loved and missed each other. Since then, things have been going very slowly. We had a wonderful experience recently, but it didn't compare to that night with him. I fear that she will be disappointed and am determined to learn how to be an amazing lover. I also wonder if there is a size problem. I can give her clitoral orgasms, after which she likes a "quickie" and I wonder if it's because I'm smaller than he was that she just wants to get it over with. She assures me that size isn't a problem, but I have been pondering natural penis growth techniques. Is there something I can do to make her want intercourse more, or am I stuck with quickies for the rest of our marriage? What can I do to assure a pleasurable experience for both of us?

The only size problem here the size of the gaping hole in your self-esteem. This whole experience really frizzizzled something deep in your core (understandably), and you need to focus on fixing that, not on adding some bang to your bulge. Please get yourself some therapy, and bring your wife with you. If your feelings of inadequacy, and your trust issues with her, aren't dealt with, your relationship is going to be in deep doo doo.

Mr. Wondercock, whoever he was, was a fun fling for her, but you're the one she wants to spend her life with. You have to stop comparing yourself to this guy or you're going to drive yourself, and your wife, crazy. Comparing yourself to anyone, about anything, accomplishes nothing, other than often making you feel lousy about yourself. Why oh why do we do it?! Instead, focus on what you do have (a wife that's crazy about you, the desire to have as good a relationship as you can) and cut yourself some slack.

As far as your specific questions about your sex life go, I'm not sure there's much you can do until you guys work some stuff out. Because as it stands, your impetus to please her is coming from a neurotic need to out-stud someone else, which is many things, none of which are sexy. Until you can both get back to that fun exciting place where you explore sex together, are open, trusting, and don't have the shadow of some guy, and his bigger wiener, looming over you, no amount of neato tricks are going to make a difference. You must work the soil before reaping the crop.

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and lately things have been slow in the bedroom. It's been two weeks since he's touched me in a sexual way, and now I find out that he's been watching porn on his computer while he's "working". Why is it that men would rather watch porn when they have the ready, willing, and able at arms reach?!

Because sometimes you don't want ready, willing, and able. Sometimes you want barely legal twins and the refrigerator repair guy. I'm not saying it's o.k. to substitute a real sex life with porn, but there's nothing wrong with a supplemental hoist every now and then. Besides, I'd be willing to bet that he's been watching porn all along - you're just more sensitive to it now that you're not getting any (which is totally understandable, btw).

The problem here is not all men and porn, the problem here is that your man is ignoring you. You need to sit his porn-lovin ass down and ask him what's up. Maybe he's mad at you. Maybe he's going through something and needs a little space. Maybe he's bored. Who knows?

I don't know you guys, but I will say that a common problem in long-term relationships is that people get lazy. They stop putting time and energy into keeping things juicy, and their sex lives just get up one night and wander off in a daze, never to be seen again. Think about it - for the past five years, you guys have been looking at the samey same same, same-ole, if I seen it once, I seen it a million times, naked body in the bed next to you. And things probably just don't pop the way they used to. Say what you will about porn, but those nice folks sure put their creativity caps on when it comes to the fuckin - why not take a cue from them (or maybe even watch some with him)? Get out the baby oil, put a saddle on him and ride him around the living room, do it standing up with just your socks on, whatever honks your horns.

Hopefully, in the past five years, you've built up a strong enough foundation to deal with whatever the problem is. So don't focus on the fact that he's watching porn, but focus on the fact that he's not watching you, and hopefully you'll work it out.

Dear Jen,
I'm a healthy 21 year old woman and I've never been able to have an orgasm with another person. I've been sexually active since the age of 16, but no matter who I've been with or what position I've been in, I can never get there! It's so frustrating!!! During oral sex is the only time I get close, but it never happens, and it's not like I'm holding back. I've experimented with both men and women (I prefer men), but nothing seems to work other than my trusty vibrator, and I'm getting really tired of having to replace the batteries. WHAT IS WRONG? Is it me, or are the guys not doing something right?

You know when you're all snuggly and sleepy, tucked into your bed like a little hamster, and your lover gets up to take a leak while you lie there, bladder exploding, wishing he could go for you? It's a lot like having an orgasm - you may want someone else to do it for you, or you may roll over and pretend everything's fine, but when it comes down to it, your orgasm is your responsibility. It's your dog to feed. Yes, other people can assist, but you're still responsible for showing up, and sometimes for bossing them around.

I heard Betty Dodson, Godmother of Masturbation and Female Orgasm Supergenius, describe sex as a dance we do with each other while bringing ourselves to orgasm. She wrote a book about it called, Orgasms For Two, that you should check out. In it, she touts the vibrator as the female O's best friend, and, twere she your personal sex coach, she'd be standing on the sidelines, screaming at you to get in there and bring your vibrator with you. And while I agree that vibrators are an excellent addition to partner sex, I also have some other pointers.

1.) Bring your fantasies in there with you too. Practice masturbating to the filthiest, sleaziest, ninety-nine-whores-on-a-wall epic you can imagine, and then conjure it up when you're in bed with a guy. Concentration is key to the female orgasm, so not only will this help you focus, but it'll hopefully turn you on to the point of no return.

2.) Keep your eye on the clit. The majority of sexual positions satisfy the penis, but don't come anywhere near the clitoris (whoever's responsible for the human genital layout isn't winning any design awards from me). Make sure some part of him is rubbing up against your hot spot, and if it's not, make sure his, or your, hand is. You probably like cunnilingus so much because it tends to concentrate on this area, so make sure your button is getting pressed. And getting pressed hard, please.

3.) Relax. I know you said you don't hold back, but I suspect there's a part of you that does. When you cum, you experience a total loss of control, if only for a few seconds. This can be overwhelming, and a lot of people subconsciously protect themselves from experiencing it, so make sure you sleep with people you trust, be in the moment, and practice, grasshopper, practice!

Dear Jen,
I am a 36 year old woman and I'm dating a guy who I like a whole lot. He's handsome, smart, laughs in all the right places, and, better yet, he gets me all hot and bothered. The problem is, he never wants to bring it on. I've never felt like I was a big horn dog, as a matter of fact, I'm pretty prudish, but suddenly all I can think about is sex. Am I just reaching some kind of sexual peak? Is it possible for a guy to have a low libido? And if so, how can I get him to play with me?

What is it about that which we cannot have that makes us so obsessed? I know a woman who was dead sure that no way in hell did she want children. Ever. Then she hit 45, and all of a sudden she's down at the fertility clinic, nervously biting her nails with the rest of the biologically clocking out. We Americans, we like our options. As long as we have options, we can obliviously go about our day, but the second they're taken away from us, we wake up and start screaming.

This really hit home for me the time I asked my Dad if he would help me pay for therapy. I was having a hard time figuring out what I wanted to do with my life, and my Dad, who grew up in Italy in the 30's and 40's, said "you don't need therapy. What you need is a war fought on your soil."

In your case, the stripping away of your sex options seems to have awakened your inner ho bag, and as thrilled as I am to see her alive and kicking, I'm not so thrilled that it's under such confidence-crushing circumstances. Before you make yourself too crazy over this guy, make sure that you're really hot for him, not that you're hot for him because he's rejecting you.

As far as he goes, there are many reasons why he could be acting like Chastey McChasterson. Maybe he's just not into you. Or maybe he's so into you that he wants to wait until you know each other better. Or maybe he's a virgin and he's terrified. Or he's got an embarrassing tattoo down there. Or he knows your prudish ways and doesn't want to upset you. Or he's an emotional basket case. I could go on for pages, as I suspect you already have, which is why you need to talk to him. Ask him what's going on, and decide if he's worth waiting for once you know the truth.

If he says he has a low libido, then there are things that can be done - therapy, testosterone boosts, gay bar hopping - but he's the one who has to do them. You can try sassafrassing your way into his pants all you want, but if he's not game, it won't do much more than make you feel awful about yourself.

Guys who are handsome, smart, funny and not into sex make great friends, not great boyfriends. You need to get yourself someone who's all that with a boner on top, and let your newly- awakened sex kitten get what she deserves.

Dear Jen,
I am a 22 year-old single woman. My boyfriend and I just broke up, and we have a12 month-old son together. I've been attracted to other women since high school, but have never had the guts to further explore my curiosity. I really want to try it now, but things are more complicated because I have a son. Do I explore my fantasies, or bottle them up and live a normal, heterosexual life?

If your idea of a normal, heterosexual life is humping the back of your couch after little Timmy's hottypants mom drops him off for playgroup, then go for it. But wouldn't it be so much more fun to make out with her instead?

If your feelings about this are as strong as they sound like they are, you're headed for a long, unsatisfied life of what-ifs if you let your fears rule your decisions. I understand not wanting to drag your son through your experimentation process, but he's one-year old. In his mind, you are a pair of boobs, and as long as the boobs show up when he calls them, he doesn't care who else has been playing with them.

I think the real fear here is that you'll discover you like women better than you like men, and that you'll subject your son to growing up in a lesbian family. While this can be a challenge in our poor, dimwitted society, it beats the hell out of having a mommy who's addicted to painkillers because she's so miserable in her normal, heterosexual life. Your life matters too, and if you want to raise a kid who does what's in his heart and who's proud of who he is, then you should lead by example.

There was a time when women couldn't wear pants, African Americans had to sit in the back of the bus, and orange juice was just for breakfast. The change started with a few, brave souls who stepped outside the norm and got the ball rolling. By adding to the growing number of gay and lesbian families, you'd be doing a public service, helping to stretch the tiny, terrified minds of people who think that them thar queers outta be hosed off and locked up somewhere.

Nothing makes happy children like happy parents. So if it turns out that you wind up finding true love with another woman, how excellent for both you and your son that you had the guts to seek her out.

Dear Jen,
I've always been bicurious, but have never acted on it. For the last five years, I've been in a relationship with a wonderfully open-minded guy who, outwardly, doesn't seem to have a problem at all with the idea of me being with another woman (hell, what guy would?), but I feel that if I act on it, I'll be cheating on him. I've thought about a threesome, but I want to experience this alone first. I really don't want to hurt my boyfriend - what should I do?

I'm always amazed by the whole "it's another girl, so it doesn't count" thing. It's sort of like saying, "I ate an entire pizza, but drank diet soda, so it doesn't count." As far as I'm concerned, unless you've been issued a hall pass from your significant other, Commitment = not having your exposed genitalia fondled by another human being, regardless of gender, intoxication level, or mistaken identity. And while I agree that a lot of men love the idea of their lady bumping uglies with one of her own kind, I also know that a lot of men don't. And that they're under a bit of pressure to love it if they don't.

I don't know which category your boyfriend falls under, but the only way to find out is to get mighty real with him. Let him know that this is something you really want to do, but that your commitment to him comes first. If he says no, leave it alone, but if he agrees to it, plan out exactly what that means (he gets to watch, you go alone but must bring back her panties as the Holy Grail, whatever) and stick to it closely.

From your letter, it sounds to me like your boyfriend is game. It's you I'm worried about. For some reason, even though he's given you the thumbs up (outwardly, whatever that means), you're still feeling sneaky about something. Perhaps this is a much bigger deal to you than just a quick lunch at the beaver bar? Perhaps you're afraid your three-headed, pussy-starved lesbian alter ego will come barreling out of the closet, devouring everything wearing a thong in her path?

The only way to know for sure is to try it, and luckily, it sounds like you're with a guy who will let you have your cake and eat it too. I know plenty of couples that regularly have other women in their relationships. If you're worried you'll wind up hurting him - aka, dumping him for a chick - that will suck, but it won't suck as hard as not doing something because you're afraid you'll like it too much.

Dear Jen,
I've been with my husband for ten years and we love each other deeply. We're fairly open about what we enjoy sexually, but one night I was feeling frisky and asked him to try something we've never done before, and his response was, "nuh-uh, you're my wife." Wtf? I don't want him going elsewhere to have wild sex with someone who isn't his wife...well, he wouldn't do that. But I'm frustrated with the same old same old. I've been mulling it over for some time and don't know how to bring it up. We only talk about sex 1.)during foreplay 2.) while in the act 3.) when we're basking in the afterglow. How do I find the words without crushing him?

On the Official Master List of Relationship No No's, somewhere at the top it says, "don't talk about your relationship in bed." It's like eating in bed - it gets sharp, pointy crumbs of anger, and gooey emotional sticky stuff all over your sex life. Plus, it's just too distracting. I mean, how focused can he be on what you're saying while you have your hand on his balls?

Sit him down sometime in the living room, or at the dinner table, and tell him you need to talk to him about something important. Then, after you tell him how much you love him, and gush over how awesome he is in the sack, tell him how fun it would be to step it up a notch. If he loves you like you say he does, he'll want to listen and do whatever he can to please you. And hopefully, the fact that you're so comfortable with your wild side will rub off on him and make him less self-conscious.

This is assuming that he's not too exhausted from giving the high hard one to half your neighborhood. I can't help but find his wife comment alarming (and judging from the way you wrote about it, you're a little suspicious yourself). It implies that hot, crazy sex is only appropriate outside a marriage, not that it's inappropriate altogether. Big difference. I would look into this. Wtf indeed.

If it turns out that he's not screwing around, but that he just can't see beyond your virginal white robes, give him a little time. And some food for thought. Dress your inner ho bag up in sexy lingerie and parade her around the house.

Whisper filthy nothings in his ear. If it turns out that deep down he's just not into it, then he's not into it. You'll have to accept him for who he is, just as he'll have to accept the 90 watt vibrator that'll be drilling a hole through your side of the bed.

Dear Jen,
I was wondering where you stood on the pantyhose issue. I know most women dress for comfort, and to hell with what men may or may not think, but, as a guy, I find them incredibly sexy. I 'd love to hear your thoughts.

Oh dear. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't love to hear my thoughts, but here goes. Before I begin my dissertation however, let me say that I agree with you. Pantyhose look great. They make legs smooth, silky and sleek, and some even provide control tops to squeeze away any unsightly gut blobs.

We heart the hose because our definition of beauty is dictated by our cultural conditioning, and the straight white dudes who run the machine give pantyhose a hearty round of high fives. In the old days, they decided it was all about rib-busting, blackout-inducing corsets. In China, it was foot binding. Today it's boob jobs, tummy tucks, botox, butt lifts and.....vaginoplasty? Has it really come to vaginoplasty?

I really am going to answer your question, but I need you to do a few things first:

1.) Chase after a cab in three-inch heels and then wear them for a full eight to ten hour workday. Walk down some steps. Walk up some steps. Stand around at a cocktail party. Walk on grass. Give someone a lap dance.

3.) Cram five pounds of silicone under each nipple and go jogging. Without a lumbar strap. Or food. Try to sleep in your stomach. Try to roll over.

4.) Wipe yourself, open a pill bottle, type, dial 911, make a fist, put in some contact lenses, find something in the back of a drawer, give a kid a bath, change a tire, and eat a lobster with two-inch long fingernails.

I think women should do whatever makes them feel good and sexy and happy. I really do. It's just a bummer that our version of sexiness = women who are debilitated, uncomfortable, and so weak from hunger that we can barely lift our lips up out of a pout. When I'm queen, misogyny will be ugly, and all ladies who are too lazy to tend to their pantylines will be considered to have "rugged good looks."

Dear Jen,
Women know that men stare at their chests, but do women suss us out by peeking at our packages? I've always wondered.

I sometimes do, but lord knows why. The man pant rarely leaks any info, and if it does, it's usually not the kind of info that I want. Like that time when some guy sat down next to me on a bench in Central Park wearing nothing but lipstick and a pair of pantyhose. Or stoner Tom in college, whose idea of getting dressed was freeballing it in the same pair of tight, ratty, sweatpants every day.

I asked a bunch of my lady friends for their opinions, and nearly all of them agreed: not much to see when you wanna, too much when you don't. Which really isn't all that bad since, as far as I'm concerned, any package worth opening is only made better by a little mystery. I'd rather be teased by the excitement of not knowing what's inside than have a penile preview pressing through his pants.

You know, there probably is, but it no doubt requires complicated neurological monitoring devices, goggles, and a divining rod. For even I, The Worst Actress In The World, have managed to pull it off undetected in the rare, uninspired moment. I've also been on the other end, heard women say things like, "member that time I chewed a hole through your pillow, asshole? I was faking it!" I really had no idea.

You could feel for contractions down there, monitor her heart rate and breathing, and dissect the sincerity of her screaming "Sweet Jesus YES!," but who wants to be at the science lab when you could be at the party?

Besides, I think the real question here is not is she faking it, but why is she faking it? If you know why, you're not only closer to finding out if, but, more importantly, to discovering how to improve your sex life so she doesn't ever have to again.

1.)            She wants to get it the hell over with because she’s tired, bored, not feeling it, etc.
2.)            You suck in bed and she wants to make you feel studly.
3.)            She sucks in bed and wants to appear more studly.
4.)            She's doesn't know how to have an orgasm and she feels ashamed.
5.)            She's on anti-depressants or some other drug that makes it hard for her to get there.
6.)             She was at the point of orgasm, but then lost it, and it got so far away that it seemed like it would take hours to get it back, so she just opted to fake it and maybe try again later.

In the end, it always comes down to good old communication. The female bell ringer can be pretty squirrely and require a lot of concentration, so the more you know about what she needs, the better.

Dear Jen,
I am 21 and have been with my soon-to-be husband for 8 years. His sister and I got drunk a couple of weeks ago, and she told me that she'd like to experience sex with a woman. I think she was trying to figure out if I was game, which I am, because I've always been attracted to women. Plus she is unbelievably hot! My problem is that a week later she told me, "I was so drunk that night that I don't remember what I said to you!" First of all, should I feel bad for wanting my boyfriend's sister? And second, how can I get her back to those feelings without scaring her off?

My goodness Mary, where do I even start with this one? With your doomed marriage? Your questionable taste in women? Your improper placement of the phrase "my problem is"?

Unless you're a fundamentalist Mormon, or from some other culture where little girl children are forced to marry their uncles and such, why would anyone choose to be with the same person from the age of 13 until death do you part? It just sounds so fun free. Especially when, eight years and a couple tequila shots into it, you're in the market for a little in-law cest?

Please, do not marry your boyfriend. At least not right now. You need to get a few more experiences under your belt, and ladies in your pants, before you settle down. Signing up for a committed relationship at this point in your life would be unfair to both him and you.

Please, do not sleep with his sister. There are countless other unbelievably hot ladies who would love to get all naked and wiggly with you. Even when they're sober. Plucking mates off the same family tree is just asking for a shit storm of drama. Plus it's mean. If you're subconsciously doing it to sabotage your commitment to your boyfriend, there are far more graceful ways to bow out.

Please do sleep with a girl, a boy, a toy, a football team - whatever your fabulously filthy little mind finds appealing. You appear to possess a rare and beautiful openness to new experiences that would be a shame to waste, and that could lead to resentment down the road if unexplored. Let yourself live a little. Then, if you and your boyfriend decide to pick up where you left off, you'll be doing so as a much more well-rounded, self-actualized, and question mark-free person.

Dear Jen,
While I was bra shopping, not for anything fancy, just for a regular, everyday bra, I came across one that was...WOW! Bazooms city! I thought that maybe I'd like to hit the town looking that stacked, but then I began to worry: what if I meet a guy who likes cleavage-me, and when we get intimate, the bra comes off, and the bazooms vamoose? In this city with millions of dollars worth of fake boobage bouncing around, is it better to buy a bra that competes and worry about the (ahem) fallout later, or is the false advertising just not worth it?

As anyone who's ever been to a good drag show, or who's ever disco danced at a tranny bar knows, most trannys put most biological women to shame in the "I am a hot-ass hoochie mama" department. They dress it up, stick it out, and parade it around like the hard-earned altar to femininity that it is. Their take on womanhood is fun, fierce, and as girly as it gets - I don't care how big the dick dangling between their legs may be.

Meanwhile, those of us who've been in more long-term relationships with our girl bodies run the risk of taking them for granted. I mean, I work it, I look good most of the time, but sometimes I feel like my boobs and I are like an old married couple. I assume that they'll always just be there, hanging around, and tend to only dress them up and take them out on special occasions.

So please, buy that bra, woman. Think of it as your tranny fairy godmother. And don't worry about seeming insincere. It's just like putting on make-up, high heels, a baseball cap over a bald head, or padding your resume - whatever gives you the confidence to get out there and show yourself to the world is a good thing. The real beauty lies beneath anyway, the rest is just a bunch of shiny bits to attract attention, and make yourself feel fancy, until you can get your foot in the door.

Here's the thing though. There's a difference between dressing up and covering up. The first one is a celebration of what's there and all its potential, while the latter is about shame and denial. You have to make sure that you love whatever boobage lies beneath the bra, because if Mr. Cleavage takes it off and you're embarrassed, so will he be too. So have fun with it, love thy beautiful self, and always put your best boob forward.

Dear Jen,
I'm a virgin who's always been afraid of and nervous about sex. Growing up we were made to feel that it was wrong, dirty, or dangerous, and that we should save ourselves for marriage. But I'm ready now! The problem is, I'm afraid that I'll suck at it. I've read books on the topic and none of them really helped. Any advice?

When I was in my very early twenties, I moved to Barcelona with a bunch of friends from college. We lived like pigs, rocked and rolled all night, and partied every day. Wine was cheap and, dude, you never got carded cuz there was no drinking age! Fiesta dude!

One time I took the train to Naples, Italy, to visit my relatives on my Dad's side of the family. I couldn't wait to rage in the old country with my cousin Valentina, get in on the local scene, bond with her, and maybe even hold each other's hair back while we puked in the Italian gutters together.

Much to my horror, our big Saturday night out involved getting gelatos and strolling around the plaza, people watching. If we were feeling especially wild, we'd go back and get ANOTHER gelato. It was like going into detox, and as disappointed as I was, I couldn't help feeling a pang of shame every time we passed a bunch of staggering, American twenty-somethings, drunkenly screaming "oh solo mio" in the streets.

Unlike American me, Valentina grew up with a bottle of wine on her dinner table, and, unlike me, was not met with a raised parental eyebrow and a "just what the hell do you think you're doing?" whenever her under-aged hand reached for it. This is why she was having wholesome, Annette Funicello evenings out, and I was on my way to waking up in the emergency room with a stomach pumping tube shoved down my throat.

Desire + taboo = hysteria. Be it booze, sex, expensive shoes, fattening food...whatever it is, if what we want is denied us, we obsess over it until we're either too freaked out to go near it, or we over indulge until we explode.

Between your parents and the negative messages our uptight society sends out, it's not surprising that you're having trouble getting started on the sex game. But that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, it just means you got a little scared off. And trust me, sex is a big deal for a lot of people. I suggest you stop viewing it as this Thing you want to do, and start attaching it to a person that you trust and like. Go on dates, find someone who gets you all hot and bothered, and then let nature take care of the rest. Everyone had a first time, and nobody knew what they were doing, so don't freak yourself out.

Dear Jen,
I've been on a few dates with a girl who has only dated women in the past. Sometimes she's really interested in my company, and other times it seems like spending time with me is the last thing on her mind. Up to this point I've been trying to blame it on her inexperience with men, but since I think I may really like her, I've been afraid to talk to her about it for fear of rejection.

Is it possible for lack of experience to produce a situation like this? Is there anything I can do to understand how she really feels about me?

I'm going to go ahead here and point out that you're acting a little girly, so it doesn't surprise me that Ms. Muffnstuff has chosen you to spearhead her first foray into the men's room. A few dates are a few dates too few to be analyzing her feelings for you, and definitely too soon for an "us" talk (unless she's being rude to you, and then it's time for a "you no gonna treat me like poop" talk).

You need to take some time to get to know her, and for her to get to know you, because at this point, much like a smiling baby, her motives are still a mystery (could be love, could be gas). Put more time and energy into your relationship, and if she's still acting squirrelly down the road, ask her what's up. Rejection or no rejection, at least you'll know where you stand.

As far as her sexuality goes, I understand your concern, but god forbid we all had to reveal our dating histories every time we went out with someone new! I'd have guys wringing their hands under the table, worrying that their criminal records weren't big enough to satisfy me.

At this point, all you have to go on is the fact that she likes you and wants to date you. Which is nothing to sniff at. If she eventually decides that she wants to be with women, another man, her hand, whatever, worrying about it this soon is a big fat waste of time.

Dear Jen
I’m happily married to a beautiful, funny and self-confident woman. My previous long-term relationship was torpedoed by my ex’s infidelity, so when my wife recently dropped the bi-curious bomb on me, I was floored. If I didn’t have any hang-ups I might be able to enjoy all that this new kink has to offer, but because of my history, I can’t look past what this would mean: infidelity.

We’ve had several good talks about it and she’s assured me that she understands my feelings and won’t break our trust. And yet, I’m pretty certain that she occasionally scans the personals for WSW ads. It may be an innocent act that fuels her fantasies, but now I’m a nervous wreck every time she leaves the house, or goes out of town, or takes a personal call in the other room. Is she setting something up on the side to “get this out of her system?”

I guess my real questions are: can a couple find a way to indulge such fantasies within their marriage, or will the desire to sleep with someone else always win in the end? And if we agree to let her sleep with a woman, can a square like me ever reconcile my feelings of betrayal and hurt?

First of all, you don't have "hang-ups" because you're not into the idea of your wife doing the wild thing with someone else. That makes perfect sense to me. You do, however, have a very serious jealousy problem, which will grow huge and thorny and devour your relationship if you don't deal with it.

There is nothing wrong with your wife having fantasies about sleeping with other people (who the hell doesn't?!) The important thing is that she's never betrayed your trust - what will being suspicious of her every move do other than drive both of you crazy? Saddling her with your baggage from your ex's behavior is unfair, paranoid, and potentially lethal - she may wind up inviting the girls over for a game of naked "find the ping pong ball" just to get rid of you.

Your real question is: where can you find a good therapist to get you over your fear of betrayal? Trying to work out the specifics of this issue, and many others, will be a disaster until you get a hold of yourself.

Dear Jen,
I'm writing because so many sexperts say that size doesn't matter, and while this may be true in the straight world, as a minimally-endowed gay man, I can tell you that for homosexuals, size counts. A lot.

I compensate for my lack of size with creativity and compassion, but it's still embarrassing, no matter how self-confident I am, especially when I first become intimate with someone. Do you have any advice for me? I'm happy with who I am, I just wish I could find another guy who could love the whole package.

First of all, there are size queens aplenty in the straight community. I know a particularly loud and proud one who subjects the most equestrian of her conquests to her Polaroid camera, and me to the photos the very next morning, over coffee, way before monster cock viewing hour. She finds anything smaller than a baseball bat beneath her. She also finds herself alone a lot. And dating a lot of jerks. And no doubt very sore. Yet even she has confessed that she'd forgo the hummer for the minivan in a heart beat if it was the right guy. And trust me, she is more of a gay man than all the gay men I know put together.

I do sympathize with you, and I salute your self-confidence and creativity, but just like all of the fabulous people out there with fat asses, saggy tits, hairy backs, bald heads, and every other socially-unacceptable body trait, I urge you to love your weenie as much as you love yourself. Because if you don't, you're contributing to the lie that all bodies must look a certain way or be banished from the land of desire! Who decided what was "desirable" anyway? And why is everyone believing it??!

I'll tell you why: because people are lemmings. Which means if you act like it's sexy, they'll act like it's sexy, if you act embarrassed, so will they. Yes, there will be those too caught up in the hype to appreciate you, but I don't believe we care about these people.

At the end of the day, you want someone who's concerned with the size of your love and your filthy mind, not with you being able to take out ten adults in a crowded room should you accidentally become aroused. So get to know each other a bit, walk, don't run, to nakedville, and love every inch of your fine self.

Dear Jen,
I'm a 24 year old girl in an extraordinarily happy relationship. My problem is that lately I've been fighting the desire to mess around with other men. I've been in serious relationships since the age of 15, and even though I love my boyfriend, I'm afraid that if I marry him without ever exploring being single, I'll be unhappy. It seems that the better and happier my relationship gets, the more and more tempted I am by other men. What is wrong with me?

I was hiking the other day and I tripped, fell, and broke my arm. As I was lying there face down in the dirt, I was musing over how quickly your life can change in a nannosecond (and wondering if anyone had witnessed my Three Stooges moment).

They put this huge splint thing on me, it's like walking around with a warehouse on my arm, and I no longer have any feeling in my neck from the strap of my sling. But as uncomfortable as it is, for the past two days, me and my elephant arm have been treated like queens by the nice people of Los Angeles -five different people at Trader Joes offered to help push my cart, my neighbor comes over every morning to help with my bra, and when stopped by a guy with a puppy on a leash, I was the cute and popular one.

As I sit here typing with one finger, I fear that my hopes of making a brilliant analogy between our situations may be far-fetched. And that I'm going to have to own up to the fact that I'm really just avoiding answering you because I don't have a great answer. Life is short? Nothing is certain? Relationships and arms can be broken, but after some pain and excitement, they can also heal?
:-/
There is nothing wrong with you - who doesn't panic when the door of opportunity is slowly closing before her eyes? You're just in a humdinger of a predicament, but a very common predicament I might add. And I can't advise you on what to do, only on what you should think about, because this is a big decision that only you can make.

I suggest you think about the big sexcapade and what it means - titillation, mystery, adventure, uncertainty, sexual enlightenment, exciting new penis shapes, maybe a case of the crabs, etc. And then sit very quietly, clear your mind of chatter, and try to connect with how it would really feel to experience it. Then weigh that against the possibility of losing your boyfriend over it.

If it turns out to be that important to you, the next step is to tell him how you feel. And who knows, maybe he'll feel the same way? I have a couple lucky friends who went off on a feeding frenzy for a year and came back to find their boyfriends on bended knee (both are still happily married). I have another friend who refused to let her now-husband experiment, and he seems to have gotten over the urge. I've also seen it break people up. You can't predict what will happen, but you can't lose if you follow your truth. So you just have to get mighty real with yourself and figure out what that is.

Dear Jen,
There's this straight girl at the gym that I'm attracted to. She acts really nervous around me (I'm androgynous, lean, muscular, obviously a lesbian). She's skittish and switches her gaze away if we make eye contact, which is often. I'm not certain if she's interested or homophobic, but the energy between us is intense.

We've never spoken, but we're both painfully aware of each other's whereabouts at all times. Recognize that I'm a big introvert and a tough read, and she probably thinks I hate her since I obviously avoid her. I want to put a note on her stairmaster that says "Truce." I feel like I'm in 5th grade again.

It's a thin line between love and homophobia. And a blurry one between mature and juvenile. You pretty much nailed it when you mentioned 5th grade - WTF? What is it about sexual attraction, an allegedly "adult" experience, that sends many of us screaming back to the playground?

The problem is, you're not in fifth grade anymore, which means you don't have the next five years to ignore her, flick boogers at her, or hang her by her undies in the locker room in hopes that when the big day comes, she'll go to the prom with you.

Guessing what someone else is thinking is high on my Big Fat Waste Of Time list. You need to get on with it woman! Introvert shmintrovert - you're being a weenie. Not to say that it's not scary, because it is, but what's more scary than not living your life? And how often do you meet someone who makes you sweat before you get on the stairmaster?

If the elephant in the room is indeed as large as you say it is, she won't find it strange if you go up and introduce yourself. Perhaps you'll laugh about the intense non-back and forths you've had. Perhaps it'll be the most awkward five seconds of your life and you'll turn to the heavens, fist in the air, screaming "damn you Jen Sincero!" Perhaps she'll recoil in terror, covering her eyes and holding her breath, so as not to get any of your scary lesbo cooties on her.

All I know is that if you do get up the cojones to break the ice, regardless of what happens, you will have conquered a fear, which is always cause for celebration. And you will have made a new friend, acquaintance, lover, enemy, whatever - at least you'll know where you stand, which means you can begin focusing your energy in the right direction, rather than wasting it by treading water in the kiddy pool.

Dear Jen,
I have recently discovered that I love rim jobs, both giving and receiving them. I know this isn't that bizarre of a fetish since it's commonplace in the gay community, but as a straight male, I'm having a difficult time finding a woman who doesn't find it disgusting. I even shave down there and only consider doing it after taking a shower. I've also taken the scientific route, explaining that the male orgasm comes from the anus and so on, yet, no matter what I try, I can't seem to get anyone to try it. How can I convince them?

Leave it to the human being to evolve into a species that's terrified of its own butthole.

For the rest of the animal kingdom, it's the doorbell to the soul, the place where friends are made, enemies are sniffed out, and love is sparked. But not for we the people. We lock it away where the sun don't shine, take its name in vain every time we get behind the wheel of a car, and many of us prance around like we don't have one on the bottom of us at all! After all the butthole does for us, this is the thanks it gets. Makes me sad, it really does.

You are one of the rare few who understands what a great gift it is, with its thousands of nerve endings and prostate party just up the road. You and the majority of the gay male community. By the way, do you have any idea how.....surreal it is to hear a straight dude taking comfort in the fact that his sexual fetishes are the same as the gay boys'? Most men would watch a football marathon for days, weeks, years - however long it took to erase any fagalicious thoughts from their brains. You are refreshingly secure in yourself and very highly evolved. You should be proud.

Anyway, the reason gay men are so free about their buttholes is because gay men are so free about their buttholes. It's one of the most popular items on their sexual menus and a heartily accepted part of their culture. Straight male culture, on the other hand, has been trained to distrust its butthole, and the area is often quarantined during the act of sex (talking about it in regards to the act of pooping, however, is a whole different story). The situation is so dire, that should a lady with a curious pinky venture into the tunnel of shame, she risks getting it clenched off at the knuckle, without any explanation beyond, "move along ma'am, there's nothing to see here."

Unfortunately, this smear campaign has been very effective in turning off both men and women to the man butt, and anal enthusiasts everywhere are suffering for it. This is why you, and brave others like you, need to launch campaigns of your own to rewire the way straight culture perceives itself. Continue to present your fabulous pink winker to the ladies, and hopefully you'll find a girl who's into it, and if not, you'll get those who aren't into it thinking about why they're not. And about how you are. And begin the eekingly slow process of erasing the many prejudices around it. Future fans of the fanny will thank you.

As with all grassroots operations, you're going to need to be patient. I'm not talking about waiting until popular opinion changes and the ladies are lining up outside your door with their tongues sticking out. But as far as your personal life is concerned, you need to give the less-than-psyched lady time to warm up to the idea. Let her know how important it is to you, how you get it all dressed up for the occasion, and then leave it alone. Nagging. Is there anything less sexy?

Instead, show her that you're willing to step outside your comfort zone to please her. Be an attentive, fun, and adventurous lover whom she trusts. Once she is comfortable with you, ask her to do things like fondle your butthole with her fingers or play with it using a vibrator with a rubber tickler on top. Once she sees how much pleasure it gives you, if she really likes you, she may just do a face plant after all. Or not. If not, I'm afraid there really isn't a whole lot you can do other than focus on the other perks of your relationship and try to find things that both of you find really hot.

But don't despair, this is a very viable option. As you said, you only recently discovered how much you love having your butt licked. Lord only knows what other undiscovered delights are out there.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

Dear Jen,
I'm a 34 year old woman who, until recently, had never been with another girl, and who'd honestly never even thought about it. But then I went to this wild party where I found myself lip to lip with another woman, and it was so sexy and incredible that I haven't been able to stop thinking about it since!

I want to try it again, but I'm not sure how far I want to go, and am frankly terrified (and excited) about what would happen if it went beyond a kiss. Where do I even start and what do I do once I get there?

Look out below girls - here comes another one! You're not the first one to have her straightypants blown wide open by a pair of soft lady lips, and from the sound of it, it's only a matter of time before those same pants wind up in a forgotten heap in the corner.

You needn't worry about where to start because you've already started. You've broken through the physical barrier with the almighty kiss, which is the gateway drug to sex, and now all you need to do is find a willing partner. I recommend hanging around with the wild party people again to see if they have any more friends like lightening lips back there. Alert the masses that you're looking for a girl to play around with. Buy a sexy lady a drink on some cold dark night.

The fact that you're terrified of taking it past first base leads me to believe that you're not only going to go there, but that you'll probably blow off work to stay there all day. We only fear things that have some sort of meaning to us, so if deep down you knew you wouldn't go hog wild for it, you wouldn't be scared. Which is exactly why you should do it.

This reminds me of this guy I saw back in the days when I stayed up long enough to see the sun come up. I was at this all night diner in NY on a Sunday morning at around 5am, and the place was packed with the drunk, the drug addicted, the very tired, and the churchgoing. There was this guy sitting in the corner by himself, staring suspiciously at his pancakes. He looked like he'd been dragged face down over a couple speedbumps for a several miles and his eyes were like two pissholes in a snowbank. I think there may have even been a fat lip involved. He was sitting there, all wobbly and bloodshot, wearing a baseball cap that said "protect me from the things that I want". I will never forget him.

The difference between his situation and yours is that wanting to explore your sexuality and open yourself up to the wide world of pleasure is very different than wanting to explore a dark alley drug deal and open yourself up to a sock full of nickels in the face.

The only thing you have to fear here is missing out on carpe-ing your diem. As far as knowing what to do with a naked girl in your bed, trust your instincts. It's like that saying, "there's no better spice than a good appetite." That's not actually the saying but I know it goes something like that. My point is, if you're hot for someone and they're hot for you, your inner whores will take care of the rest. Your main job is just to get yourself there.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

Dear Jen,
I'm a 30 year old guy and I met this girl about 2 ½ years ago that is now one of my best friends. I've always been sexually attracted to her and would like to see if things could go further between us. We kissed once about a year ago, which led to a talk where she said she didn't want to ruin our friendship. I'm not sure if it's bullshit or not, either way, I'm in the friend zone.

I've never really had a close girl FRIEND before, and definitely not one that I haven't screwed around with. How can I go about seeing if this could work without compromising our friendship? Are there clues I can look for to see if she has some romantic interest in me?

Let's see, are there any clues? What about:

Clue #1: She told you she wasn't into it.
Clue #2: You're in the friend zone.
Clue #3: She's not sitting naked in your lap as you read this.

When someone wants to jump your bones, especially someone you hang out with all the time, the air gets so thick you could stuff a mattress with it. Therefore, if your friend does indeed want your meat, she knows all she has to do is reach out and grab it. Which she hasn't done. Clue #4.

But do not despair. Considering your difficulty befriending without throwing it in them, I think this could be a positive experience for you. Being FRIENDS with the opposite sex is a very rewarding and educational experience, even if it doesn't necessarily involve having an orgasm. In your case, you could learn about the very different way the female mind works, get an honest, trusted, female point of view on things like dating and facial hair, and sometimes even catch a glimpse down her shirt when she bends over to pick her purse up of the floor.

You have all the clues you need, you just need to decide if it'll be too painful to hang around and watch her date other guys. If you can put your feelings aside, you may be pleasantly surprised at what great friends men and women can make. Especially men and women who've stuck by each other for 2 1⁄2 years.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

Dear Jen,
I've had a handful of experiences with women, sometimes with my husband present, sometimes without. I recently tried to proposition a friend by discussing how I'd been intimate with a girl we both knew. I asked her if she'd ever done anything like that, or if she'd be into trying it, and she said "no way!" So the book slammed shut, and I was so freaked out by being rejected that now I'm scared to approach anyone else.

I'm just wondering, how do you develop a radar for girls who are down?

I recently did a reading of my book, "The Straight Girl's Guide To Sleeping With Chicks," in a bookstore that was hosting a Socrates discussion group in a study area a few aisles down from my talk. When a couple of little old ladies wandered in and took seats in the front row, blinking at me, expectantly, like a pair of chickens, I almost asked them if they realized where they were. But rather than make them feel self-conscious, I decided to keep them in the corner of my eye lest one should topple off her chair at the mention of the word vagina.

As it turned out, they were exactly where they intended to be (one even asked me a question about lesbians and if I thought they were born that way thank you very much.)

That very same week I taught a workshop on the subject to a room full of soccer moms, nerds, hippies, CEOs, and one lady who was wearing pants with teddy bears all over them. In a police line up investigating a stolen dental dam, every single one of them would be free to go home.

There really is no way to tell just by looking at someone what they're into, so you must indeed use radar. Much like the bat that sends out high-pitched noises to find food and avoid obstacles, so too should you send out your own signals and see what bounces back. Otherwise, how the hell are you supposed to know what's out there?

But how do you develop this radar? You already have. You did exactly what you should have done with your friend back there, you just didn't like what bounced back, and now you've hit the wall. But are you really going to let one sourpuss ruin all your fun?

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