The Ass Lorax and Shy Bedmates

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend is dying to get me to try anal sex.  I've had a finger in there before, and that wasn't bad, but I'm having issues with the whole sanitary thing. To me, nothing should be shoved up there unless the doctor needs to check you.  Or maybe you can't poop and you need an enema?  That's OK, too.  I'm afraid of crapping all over the place, for one thing.  Second, how dirty is anal sex?  Doesn't your anus carry a ton of bacteria since your poop comes out of there? 
- Scared To Put It In The Piehole.

Dear Piehole,
Do you know who The Lorax is?  He's this Dr. Seuss character who lives in a beautiful place where the sun always shines, the humming fish hum and the brown bar-ba-loots eat Truffula Tree fruits.  One day, a factory comes and sets up shop and starts chopping down all the Truffula Trees to make thneeds (these things that everyone needs).  The Lorax pleads with the factory owners to consider what they're doing to the land.  "I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees," he says.  They ignore him, and soon there are no more trees, the rivers are full of muck, the air turns black, the fish die and the brown bar-ba-loots go off in search of other kinds of fruit. 

Ever since I started writing this column, I feel like I've become The Ass Lorax.  "I speak for the butthole, for it cannot speak for itself," I say.  I am constantly pleading with people to stop making fun of it, spreading rumors about it, saying it's unsexy, scary, not to be trusted.  And now, here you are worried that it's got cooties and will have stuff flying out of you like a firehose.

It's just a little round hole that needs love like the rest of us.  Brings a tear to mine eye.  It really does.

Here are the butt facts you've requested:

Your poop is stored in your colon, which is way up there, past your anus, past your rectum, off the soccer field.  When you get a call from Mr. Brown, it's because he's moving towards the front door.  He doesn't hang out there until he's ready to leave, so if you stick something up there, unless you have to go rill bad, or you're incontinent, you probably won't shake anything loose. 

As far as bacteria goes, yes, there is some, and you should wash anything off that goes up your butt before sticking it in your girl parts.  But it's hardly less sanitary than gobbling up wieners, balls, pussies, feet or even tongues - if you want to talk germs, let's talk about how filthy mouths are.  And hands!  Lord only knows what those things have collected during a day.  Sex is messy, people, yet the butt is dubbed the dirty bird.  I hope this new knowledge will help you embrace your little friend down there, because, believe you me, it has a lot to offer in the pleasure department.

All I am saying, is give butts a chance.

Dear Jen,
I'm a girl who needs help making my new girlfriend move faster in bed.  She's too shy to do much, but allows me to do whatever I want to her.  She pretty much won't do anything to me unless I ask her to.  What can I do to get her to stop being so shy?
- Alpha Girl

Dear Girl,
I'm going to a karaoke birthday party tonight and I'm dreading it.  I love the people who are throwing it, and they have excellent friends, it's just that I hate doing karaoke.  I love watching it, but the thought of standing up there singing along to cheesy music  freaks me out.  I'm not sure about my motivation - am I supposed to be serious?  Am I kidding?  What do I do with my arms?  It wouldn't be so bad if people would just let you be, but there's nothing as tenacious as the drunken karaoke crowd.  They're obsessed with group participation, and exhibit a righteous expectation found only at fraternity hazings and amongst religious fanatics - they can not, will not, rest until everyone gets on the mic, gets gets gets on the mic.

Meanwhile, back in the days when I sang in a punk band, I'd get naked and spit fake blood on the crowd.  My friends who are privy to this information are indignant when I refuse their karaoke advances, but what can I say?  I'm shy when it comes to karaoke.  Go figure.

Your girl may just be shy about sex.  Either that, or she may just need some time to get used to new territory.  This is a brand new relationship fer feks sake, you need to slow your roll, sister.  Sticking an unwanted fire under her ass will only burn her, and burn you in return.  Be grateful that she's not too shy to do what you tell her to, shower her with compliments, and, if you're lucky, somewhere down the road, she'll be singing "Love To Love You Baby" at the top of her lungs.