Blind as a Bat and Would You Like a Spleef With That Threeway?
Dear Jen,
I've had a handful of experiences with women, sometimes with my husband present, sometimes without. I recently tried to proposition a friend by discussing how I'd been intimate with a girl we both knew. I asked her if she'd ever done anything like that, or if she'd be into trying it, and she said "no way!" So the book slammed shut, and I was so freaked out by being rejected that now I'm scared to approach anyone else.
I'm just wondering, how do you develop a radar for girls who are down?
- Looking For a Sign
Dear Looking,
I recently did a reading of my book, "The Straight Girl's Guide To Sleeping With Chicks," in a bookstore that was hosting a Socrates discussion group in a study area a few aisles down from my talk. When a couple of little old ladies wandered in and took seats in the front row, blinking at me, expectantly, like a pair of chickens, I almost asked them if they realized where they were. But rather than make them feel self-conscious, I decided to keep them in the corner of my eye lest one should topple off her chair at the mention of the word vagina.
As it turned out, they were exactly where they intended to be (one even asked me a question about lesbians and if I thought they were born that way thank you very much.)
That very same week I taught a workshop on the subject to a room full of soccer moms, nerds, hippies, CEOs, and one lady who was wearing pants with teddy bears all over them. In a police line up investigating a stolen dental dam, every single one of them would be free to go home.
There really is no way to tell just by looking at someone what they're into, so you must indeed use radar. Much like the bat that sends out high-pitched noises to find food and avoid obstacles, so too should you send out your own signals and see what bounces back. Otherwise, how the hell are you supposed to know what's out there?
But how do you develop this radar? You already have. You did exactly what you should have done with your friend back there, you just didn't like what bounced back, and now you've hit the wall. But are you really going to let one sourpuss ruin all your fun? Just because she's not into exploring her sexuality, why should that make you feel badly that you are?
Pull yourself together, keep making your little noises, and I promise you, you'll wind up with a lady in no time. I just can't make any promises about what she'll look like.
♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠
Dear Jen,
I'm going to Jamaica in a couple months with my boyfriend and I'm very interested in having a threesome with another woman. I just don't feel that I have the confidence to go up to a stranger and propose one without scaring her away! Any suggestions?
- Wanting to Stir It Up
Dear Stir,
I love the idea of stepping out of your sexual comfort zone while on vacation. You're more open when you're in unfamiliar territory, more likely to strike up a conversation with strangers, explore the terrain, stick your face between some sweet girl's legs while your boyfriend watches. And luckily, so are a lot of other vacationers!
There are lots of ways to approach another woman, but whether or not you scare her off is kind of up in the air. And who cares anyway? It's not like you're going to have her over for book group if the threeway thing doesn't work out. You’re on vacation, you’ll never see her again.
Your best bet is to put yourself in her place, think about what you'd want to hear if some couple wanted to make a bone sandwich out of you. Don't forget you're a woman too - you know what you like to hear, which compliments work and which don't, so take advantage of this insider's knowledge. Also, use the fact that you're flirting as a team with your boyfriend. Send her a drink while both of you wave from across the room. Have your boyfriend get the ball rolling before you saunter up and nuzzle him, cooing something suave in her direction about what excellent taste he has in women. Stand next to a cute girl and start discussing something sexy with your boyfriend, then ask her opinion on the topic.
I'm also a big fan of just blurting out the ever-subtle "we think you're cute - wanna come home with us?" Because as far as I'm concerned, we all take the flirting thing way too seriously. Why get so freaked out and horrified? (We all do, but why? Why? WHY?) Life is short, don't spend it placing some hotty stranger's opinion in front of your own. Even if you get rejected, you should rejoice in the fact that you had the cojones to approach her at all, and that's really all that matters.