compliments and impotence, living in sin, jen sincero, sex advice

Dear Jen,
There are many times when I'm buying a cup of coffee or a sandwich or something, and the girl at the cash register has some stunningly beautiful feature -- eyes usually -- and I feel compelled to compliment her. I never say anything though, because I don't know if that would be awkward. So I'm wondering, am I right in keeping it to myself? Would most women be flattered or creeped out, and what does it depend on?
- The Sound of Silence

Dear Silence,
I am pleased to report that I am friends with The Funniest Person in the World (as well as about 100 runners-up). I can't be in his house for more than ten minutes without finding myself clinging helplessly to furniture, banging my head against the wall or doubled over as if I'm begging for someone to kick me. He's been happily married to the same woman for over 15 years, and although she is as sweet as pie, the woman has the sense of humor of a bowl of pudding. While the rest of us are teary-eyed, red-faced and stumbling around screaming for help, she sits there, nervously smiling as if she's just sat in something wet.

"Oh the waste!" I think as I drive away. All that precious hilarity that goes soaring over her head only to land in a stinking, rotting heap in the corner when they're alone! It kills me, it really does. So many people starving for laughter in the world and there they are, feeding caviar to the flies. I can't stand it. I really just can't.

I feel much the same way about undelivered compliments - the ones we don't give to each other or to ourselves. We are on this planet but once as the we that is we, and to spend it thinking we are anything less than fabulous is a shameful waste. Our purpose is to make ourselves and everyone around us happy, and believe me, getting a compliment, even if you need a cooty shot afterwards, is still a compliment. She'll simply think, "that guy was weird, but oh yeah, I'm hot". And you should feel good about making someone feel hot, and also that you had the cojones to do it, regardless of her response, because you know you were coming from a genuine place.

But since we're all still learning how to not live our lives according to other people's opinions of us, here are some pointers:

Uncreepy: Complimenting her while looking in her eyes and smiling.
Creepy: Complimenting her while staring at her chest.

Uncreepy: Smiling, no big dealing, and walking away.
Creepy: Lingering, staring, wiggling your fingers, wanting something in return.

It's about how you say it, not what you say, so be light and fun and happy about it, and so will she. And practice makes perfect, so do it as much as you can. And lastly, to sort of quote Eleanor Roosevelt, "No one can make you feel like a dick-twiddling pervert without your permission," so give yourself a break.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

Dear Jen,
I read your column sometimes on laist.com, and my question isn't as racy as some of the other ones you answer, but then that's the problem. I'm dating this new girl who's a bunch of the things that I like in girls: smart, cute, has her shit together, open minded, emotionally available and kinda slutty in bed. Maybe not the love of my life, but the right girl to have around for right now.

We just started sleeping together, after about a month, because I didn't want just another conquest, and the sex is incredibly disappointing! I'm not that into it, and am having a hard time, well, staying hard. I come maybe every 3rd time we do it, and generally that's only if we have sex in the morning. I don't get it. I'm 29, so I should be able to still get it up for whomever I want, right? It's making sex more of a chore when it should be a really good time. She wants to play around and do more kinky things, but I'm struggling just to get myself off, let alone give her an orgasm. HELP!
- Lacking in the Sack

Dear Lacking,
I had a great friend from college staying with me all last week who, as visitors are wont to do, brought a suitcase with her. There was nothing special about this suitcase, it was just a black thing with wheels, but according to my cat, it was not to be trusted. His first glance at it sent him straight up in the air as if he was on springs. I didn't even see his little kitty knees bend - he just popped up like a cork. All 20 pounds of him. Boing! I nearly had a heart attack right alongside him - I haven't laughed that hard since he got his face stuck in a paper bag. Whew! Good times over here folks. Anyway, he was so freaked out that even after giving it a good sniffing, he walked around it in wide circles and shot it a terrified look whenever he heard a strange noise. It was, in his mind, The Thing To Fear.

Cats are trippers, yes, but so are we. We do the same thing all the time - some of us have decided airplanes are scary, success is scary, loving who we are is scary - meanwhile, in reality, all these things are just banal black suitcases with wheels, blinking stupidly at us while we project three headed monsters onto them.

Silly, ain't we?

I'm going to go ahead and suggest that this is what you've done to your sex life with this girl. I don't know enough about your situation to figure out where it's coming from - maybe she intimidates you? Maybe your intimacy issues are leaking out through your wiener? Maybe waiting that whole month psyched you out? Or perhaps you're drinking too much, on anti-depressants, not as into her as you think, exhausted, gay, crippled by anxiety....whatever it is, you're making it worse by obsessing over it. Remember, what you focus on you will get. If you constantly focus on the fact that you have no money, you will continue to have none. If you focus on how tired you are, you'll always be tired. Same goes for disobedient wieners. So set it free and see if it comes back to you.

There are a lot of things you can do in bed that don't involve the ole sausage dunk. Try playing around with toys, fingers, mouths, feathers, paddle tennis rackets, police uniforms and phone sex. Make it so that if you do rise to the occasion, it'll be more of a bonus than the whole enchilada. This will take the pressure off of you, allow you to please yourself and your girlfriend and hopefully, inspire the one-eyed weasel to eventually go pop.

If it doesn't, get yourself to a doctor (both the mind and the body kind). At 29 you should be having fun, not worrying about how you're going to pay for all that Viagra.