Cootie Catchers and Gay For a Day

Dear Jen,
My husband and I have been talking about having a threesome with another woman for a while now.  We don't have any friends that we can do this with, so it would have to be with someone we don't know.  We're both STD-free, and don't want to catch anything from this one night of fun sex.  How do we find out if a potential bedmate has anything nasty down there without offending her?
- Mr. and Mrs. Clean

Dear Clean,
Did you ever read that book about Ted Bundy called "The Stranger Beside Me"?  It was written by this woman who sat next to him answering phones for the Suicide Hotline (yes, when he wasn't whooping it up at the sorority house with a crowbar, he was saving lives.  Ain't life grand?)  She was an ex-police officer, and was trying to crack the case, along with the rest of the country, of the crazy freak with a touch of The Angers towards young ladies with long hair.  Meanwhile, there she was, sharing take-out Chinese food with him, night after night, at the crisis center. 

My hair would still be standing straight up if I was her.           

I'm just guessing, but I'll bet that if you asked him, before he got busted, if he'd violently murdered over thirty women, Ted Bundy would have huffily denied it.  And you would have happily believed him, because he was hot and charming and had nice clothes and stuff.

You never know what dirty little secrets people are hiding behind their persuasive good looks, and since HIV is basically a viral serial killer, you shouldn't believe what anyone tells you.  Or doesn't tell you.  It may seem paranoid, but if we're talking about a stranger for one night, why take that chance? 

This isn't where your focus should be anyway - the only real way to find out if they've got anything unsavory down there is to start your date off at the free clinic.  Sexy.  What you really need to focus on is how to protect yourself.  Use a barrier for oral sex and muff to muff action.  You can buy dental damns at sex stores, but the plastic wrap in your kitchen works just as well and is easier.  Make sure your husband uses a condom, and be sure to use one on any sex toys you stick inside you, him, and her.  Get yourself a good education on this stuff.  Go online or check out books like,  "The Whole Lesbian Sex Book," "The Straight Girl's Guide To Sleeping With Chicks," or "Down and Dirty Sex Secrets."

As far as etiquette goes, the less of a big deal you make about it, the less offended she'll be.  When someone gets in your car and puts on a seat belt, it doesn't mean they think you're a lousy driver, but if they got all weird and apologetic about it, you might.  Same with safe sex.  Just act like it's no big thing, and she'll assume you wrap everyone else up like a plastic burrito too.

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend and I live in a suburban town and are pretty much the token gay couple in our neighborhood.  We're friends with this straight couple in their fifties, and whenever he has a few too many at one of our parties, he flirts with us like crazy.  His wife's a good friend of ours, and we're wondering - should we tell her her king is a queen, or risk having her find out the hard way?
- Tattle Tale

Dear Tattle,
Do you ever do that thing where when you're talking to someone with a British or Australian accent, you suddenly find yourself speaking with a touch of a foreign lilt?  Especially when you're drunk?  Or when you're with people who are dressed really nicely while you're freeballing it in sweatpants, you kinda want to snazz it up a bit?  Or when you're with a group of people who are snorting tons of blow and shooting off guns, you....... 

We all have many facets to our personalities, and it sounds to me like cocktails at your place is the only time Mr. Suburbia ever gets to let his pretty side shine.  He may indeed be gay or bi or whatever, but unless he crosses the line and reaches for your meat, I don't see any reason to run and tell Mommy.  It won't do anything other than make her feel lousy, and will most likely put an unnecessary wart on your friendship.  If it makes you uncomfortable, you should talk to him, not her.  Besides, if he's that much of a flirt, chances are very good she's well aware of it already, and it could be a sore spot.  Sticking an unsolicited nose in other people's marriages is never a good idea, and should only be done in case of emergency, which this is not.