Dating the Crazies and Banging Your Friends

Dear Jen,
I'm constantly attracting guys who are really screwed up.  My last boyfriend was suicidal when I met him and was addicted to heroin by the time I left.  Others have been severely depressed and some barely functional (can't keep a job, no friends, etc.)  I'm a fairly happy person, have a family that loves me, a good job, friends - why can't I find someone like myself?  Why do I keep ending up with these head cases?  It's not like I seek them out, because they all seem perfectly normal at first, but once we've been dating for awhile, sure enough, the craziness starts to seep out.  What am I doing wrong?
- Crazy About the Crazies

Dear Crazy,
I bought a car about a year ago from this auto mechanic in Glendale.  Before giving him the money, I had a shop a few blocks away check it out.  Coincidentally, all the guys at this place knew the mechanic I was buying it from.  "Hey, isn't this Ray's car?  He's a stand up guy, that Ray.  Look how clean the engine is!  Looks like he went at it with a toothbrush."  Instead of giving it the once over, they regaled me with stories about Ray's kids and how that one time he let them borrow his air drill.  My regular mechanic couldn't see it for a few more days, and I was scared I was going to lose the car, so I figured, what the hell.  Ray's a mechanic, I'm sure he took great care of it.  I'd just buy it and trust that Ray was as stand up as they said he was.

Four thousand dollars of crapped out batteries, leaky radiators, leaky oil pans, leaky convertible tops, leaky power steering systems and faulty brakes later, I realized I'd been duped.  (Ray's Auto on Colorado in Glendale ladies and gentlemen.  Throw a tomato for me next time you drive by).  Ray sold me a turd of a car, and even though he is a giant sucking thing, it's my own dumb fault.  He wouldn't look me in they eye when we sealed the deal, and I've gotten stronger handshakes from week-old babies.  I knew in my gut that I was getting into something rill bad, but I did it anyway because you should've seen how sexy that car looked.

I'd like to let you pretend that you're as clueless as you say you are when it comes to your mental ward-full of exes, but I can't.  Because you know, and you know you know, you just don't want to admit it because you should've seen how sexy he looked in those jeans.

I have a theory that people tell you everything you need to know the first week you meet them.  And often even on the first date.  They just can't help but puke up their little confessional hairballs right there on the candle-lit table for some reason.  Here's how it goes:

Him:  I sort of cheat on all my girlfriends.

Your Brain: It'll be different with us.  Look how much he's opening up to me already!

Him: I hate myself and want to die.

Your Brain: That's only because he hasn't gotten a piece of me yet.

Him: I have a bit of an addiction problem.

Your Brain: I can change you.  I will change you.  I can't wait to change you.

I promise you, it's all there, you've just decided not to notice it.  I will say that it's uncanny how we keep attracting the same types of people over and over (I honestly believe we have a 6th sense), but choosing to go forward with them is a different story. 

Next time you're attracted to someone, what's say you don't leap into a relationship with him?  Instead, listen carefully to what he says, pay attention to the fact that his eyes look like plate glass windows when he comes back from the bathroom and don't pretend that he's uncontrollably sobbing just because he feels comfortable opening up to you.  Once you start watching, you can make changes.  All it takes is really wanting to.

Dear Jen,
My fiancé and I have been together for quite a few years and have started having a sexually open relationship. Usually we play together with someone else, but occasionally we'll let each other go solo. Well, we have a mutual friend who I've known a long time and lately I've been thinking about asking this friend if she'd like to make our friendship a more beneficial one. We talk all the time, and she always complains about never getting any sex.  A few weeks ago she told me she's never had an orgasm, and I couldn't stop thinking about how I'd love to try and help her with this problem.  I was thinking of propositioning her next time she complains about never getting any.  There's a chance she'd say yes and it would be great, but then there's always a chance she'd say no and then things would become awkward. What do you think I should do ?
- Beneficially Wondering

Dear Beneficially,
I moved to the beach about a month ago and it's killing me.  I have an unbelievable amount of work to do, and am actually excited to do it, but am finding that I'm much more excited about the sunny days, warm sand, big waves, hammock on my new roof deck and the fun, unemployed neighbors who are just as easily distracted from their responsibilities as I am.  It's like I'm a drug addict and I'm surrounded by an All You Can Snort Cocaine buffet.  In case nobody noticed, today is Wednesday.  For the past year, my column has come out on Tuesday afternoons, without fail, same time, every single week, no-nonsense, on the nose.  But not this Tuesday.  This Tuesday was spent smelling like a coconut on a long walk with the aforementioned neighbor, followed by a swim (with five dolphins thank you very much) and then a leisurely bike ride up the coast because you should have seen the sunset. 

I am in very deep doo doo.

I declared this morning to be the official end of my evil ways, but then the godamned sun came out and I was once again seized by the desire to splash my way into that gorgeous sea of denial at the end of my street.  And I'm not going to say I didn't do it because I did, BUT I have a new plan.  I'm all about the approach now.  I get to spend an hour and a half swimming or bike riding or neighboring, and then I do my work.  See?  I just did it.  I am going to beat this thing.  Oh yes I am.

Same goes for you and your orgasm-free friend there.  Life is too short not to seize sex when someone hot wags it in your face, but it's all about the approach.  The next time she brings it up (which is indeed the perfect time to do this), inform her that you'd be more than happy to ramalan her ding dong, but keep it light and fun and no big deal.  And definitely don't say "ramalana ding dong".  How awkward can it be if she's already talking to you about her orgasms?  Be clear, but easy-going about it, and then leave it alone.  If she's into it, she'll do it, if she's not, hopefully she'll just feel flattered.  Being desired is a lovely thing.  The key is to be non-chalant about it, and to make sure you don't make her feel leched upon afterwards if she's not into it.  Good luck!   To both of us!