Dirty Old Men and Someone Else's Husband

Dear Jen,
My problem seems to be that I'm simply not attracted to women my age (with a few exceptions), and the younger women I am attracted to want nothing but platonic relationships with me. My friends try to make helpful suggestions because they know I'm lonely, however these suggestions seem either unpromising or degrading.

By "unpromising," I mean the suggestion that I "become attracted to" available women in my own age bracket.  I don't know how to do that.  Either you make my toes tingle or you don't.  And, frankly, at my age it's necessary to be attracted to have any faith in my male anatomy doing its job.

As far as a "degrading" suggestion - it's always the same words: "You need to lower you standards." So I finally hook up and people say, "Oh, good! You've lowered your standards!"  An insult to me and her both.

I'm out there where I can be found. I work on a college campus. It's not like I'm hiding in my room. I could have another 20-30 years of decent sexual ability in me, but it's looking like it's going to be me and the DVD.
- Growing Old Alone 

Dear Growing,
As one of the founding members of the D.O.L.C (Dirty Old Ladies Club), allow me to raise a glass with you to the youngsters, to their soft, nubile skin-so-tight you could bounce Daddy's credit card off it, their CD collections, their still-developing minds that are blown away by statements like, "I own a washer/dryer - you can do your laundry at my house."   You get to be the worldly one, the one with more sexual experience, the one who saw Depeche Mode their first time around.  It's hot.

Anyone who says they don't find young people sexy is lying, plain and simple.   Wanting to wake up next to them everyday is a different story, however.  It's hella exhausting keeping up with the trends and, as older people, we just can't text message that quickly.  Then there are all the growing pains, angst, insecurity - It was finally enough to make me step down from my seat atop the D.O.L.C.  I love me some chitlins, but I'm more interested in tackling male pattern balding than all that drizzama these days.  (Don't worry Jake G., I could change back at anytime). 

Surely there are young girls out there who are attracted to old guys - if that wasn't the case, the majority of the male population would be single!  Just because you want something you're not getting doesn't mean you have to start wanting something else.  It means you have to be realistic.  Get your old ass to the gym,  get your bank account in shape, hone your knowledge of youth culture, start a blog,  get a Myspace page, make friends with other dirty old men and ask their girlfriends to set you up.  Do not hit on your students - that is super creepy and gross.  And do think about what you find so appealing about all this.  The physical attraction is obvious, but it often goes hand in hand with a serious case of arrested development.  Candy looks good and tastes great, but it doesn't nourish us or help us grow.  If "lowering your standards" means dating a woman who is emotionally mature, who will challenge and understand you, and who is your peer, not your puppet, perhaps you're more turned off by the fact that she'll make you grow up, rather than the fact that she can hold a couple pencils under her boobs.  Just something to consider.

Dear Jen,
I've been dating a married man for a year and a half now.  The reason he hasn't divorced is because his wife has Multiple Sclerosis and he feels responsible for her both financially and as a caretaker.  I am 53 and he is 71 years old.  We see each other about 4 times a week and he manages to sleep over one night on the weekend.  His wife is aware of our relationship.  
My problem is that, at times, I want a more "complete" relationship.  Because of this I want to date other men, but yet feel guilty, as we are having an intimate relationship.  He has not been intimate with his wife for at least 20 years now.  He had 2 previous 5 year long "affairs" prior to ours.  Should I date other men and look for "Mr. Perfect"?  Am I being foolish being content with a married man?

I really don't need to see anyone more than 4 days a week, as I work and am busy otherwise with girlfriends when I have free time.  Would it be considered "cheating" if I did go out with other men and have it lead to possibly an intimate relationship?  He says that I should date, but he acts differently. 
- The Other Woman 

Dear Other,
If you were content with dating a married man, you'd be out bragging to your girlfriends about the six nights a week you get to read in bed until 2am, poop with the door open and let your bikini line roam down your thighs.  You would not be writing me letters.

So let's focus on the fact that you're trying to talk yourself into being okay with dating a married man.  Perhaps you don't feel you can do better?  Perhaps you feel you deserve to be #2.  Perhaps you're scared of the intimacy monster?

I don't know.  All I know is that every time I try to buy a pair of shoes, the only ones in my size -  size 11 folks, one size too many, one step over the last size, the ugly end of the shoe stick  - I also try to talk myself into things that I know aren't worthy of me.  Ask anyone who's ever come to blows with a transvestite over the one and only pair of stylish shoes in the far corner of the store and she'll tell you:  It's ugly out there in Over Size 10 Ville.  They just don't make em big and if they do, you wish they didn't. 

I'm constantly talking myself in to buying size 10's that "run large" only to be walking like I have a rake up my ass a couple of hours later.  One time I was so delusional that I took a new pair of roomy 10's out on a hike, got completely lost and walked around barefoot and bleeding for 4 hours (my sense of direction is up there with my ability to find good shoes).  Another thing I do is buy a pair out of desperation that fit, but that are so ugly I wouldn't kick a pig with them, and eventually wind up sending them off to Goodwill.  It just doesn't ever work.  In these short lives of ours, you will always pay dearly if you attempt to squeeze yourself into something that doesn't fit.  I have the bunions, emotional as well as physical, to prove it.

You've been understanding with this guy and have put up with his polygamist ways for the past year.  You've even believed him when he's told you that he hasn't been intimate with his wife in over 20 years!  I don't doubt that it's hard for him to think of you seeing someone else, but you certainly have nothing to feel guilty about.  Especially since, if he really wanted to, he could get a divorce, be with you, and still take very good care of his wife.   Wanting to go find someone who fulfills your needs is exactly what you should be doing, and if that someone isn't 71 with a wife and a saint complex, then so be it.