Ho-hum Hubby and Hug Analysis

Dear Jen:
I've been married for 4 years and I am not happy.  I've inwardly talked to myself about divorcing but I can't seem to do it.  This is my second marriage and I'm scared.

I work full time and have 2 kids to support in the very expensive city of Manhattan.  My rent is $2,300.00 per month, not to mention my other bills and I could never afford it alone.  I can't move out of this city because the schools are great and my kids come first.  I do love my husband, but I lost the feelings for him.  He works full time, but does nothing to help me - he doesn't do any housework, never goes food shopping, has never done the laundry, never changes the light bulbs or toilet paper rolls, leaves clothes and towels on the floor, etc.  He is a step-father to my children and doesn't really interact much with them.  They aren't so fond of him either.  He is a room mate more than a husband and is not what he seemed to be years ago, but I am not the type of gal that can get along alone.  I need a man in my life.  At my age who I am going to find?  I know you'll say there are plenty of men out there but there really aren't.  I don't want a man with tons of baggage or problems.  I hate starting over.  I don't have the energy.  I used to be beautiful but I am now overweight and getting old.  I would not feel comfortable being intimate with any man anymore. 

What should I do?  Sometimes I think that staying with my husband isn't so bad.  At least he pays a lot of the bills, is very handsome, friends and family like him, and he works hard and IS faithful.  HELP!
- Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Should,
I can't remember the name of the show or which channel it was on or who was in it, but I one time saw this hilarious skit where these two hillbillies were freaking out screaming because one of them was trapped beneath a canoe.  The other one was yowling for help and trying to lift it off the ground but couldn't because she was standing in it.  Get it?  She couldn't lift it because she was standing in it?  That skit reminds me of you, not because you don't sound even remotely funny when I try to re-tell your story, but because you're standing in your own little canoe of suffering, acting like you can't lift it when you can.  So before I give you my two suggestions, I am going to make one demand: get some therapy.  Immediately.  You've been numbed inert by depression and hopelessness and you need to tackle that before you'll be able to muster up the strength to do any sort of heavy lifting.

Once you do that, you have two choices:

#1:  Convince your husband to get some couples therapy with you.  If, as you say, you do still love him, why not try to salvage your relationship?  Because he's changed from the brandy new, I-can't-stand-next-to-you-for-two-minutes-without-wanting-to-reach-out-and-grab-your-meat man of your dreams after four years of marriage?  I'd be willing to bet that he's been leaving his dirty socks on the floor from day one - you just couldn't see the pile through your honeymoon goggles.  The fact that he disregards your needs (and your children!) is not okay, and lord only knows what passive aggressive party he's throwing in his head.  Having a third, uninvolved party in the room can make negotiating your problems with another person much easier.  If you can drag his lazy ass to therapy, you may just be able to chip through his uncaring armor to find a viable husband beneath.

Or

#2:  Unless you are the type of gal who relies on her man to provide her with oxygen, you actually can be without one.  You can also lay off the fried food, move to a cheaper city with great schools, find a man who bends at the waist and can pick things up off the floor, quit complaining and stop acting like you're 99 years old.  It may be hard, but how much worse can it be than living a life of quiet desperation in a filthy house?  Aren't you pretty much doing everything by yourself already anyway?  This whole "I can't," "I'm fat," "I'm lazy" garbage puts me in a deep sleep.  People are capable of miraculous things, we've walked on the moon, cloned sheep - the drummer for Def Leppard only had one arm fer feck's sake!  Heavy Metal drumming.  One arm. 

I do understand that what you're facing is hard and scary, I really do, but if you're at the point where you're reaching out for help, you're at the point where you can start changing things.  So get ye to therapy, and either hunker down and work things out with Mr. Sloppypants, or get your kids a house in a cheaper part of the country complete with a yard, good schools, a happy, healthy mom and a step dad who doesn't treat them like furniture.