Lazy Lays and Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend and I get along really well and are wicked attracted to each other, but we're both lazy when it comes to being in charge sexually.  We're both dyed-in-the-wool bottoms, and have argued more than once about who has to do all the work.  Every once in a while I get motivated, but I love to lie around and be serviced.  Problem is, so does he.  If we could have sex without either one of us having to move, we'd be in heaven!  It gets really bad if we've been partying (the laziness, I mean), which we kind of do a lot.  Do you have any suggestions? 
- Do Me, Just Don't Wake Me Up           

Dear Wake Me,
Put down the bong, drink a nice big cup of coffee and figure out what's more important to you:  sleeping off your hangover while having sex, or being with this guy.  For some people, their topness or bottomness is an integral part of their beings, as un-negotiable as my Uncle Clem's love for my Aunt Ida's veal scallopini, manicotti, chicken parmesan, brocciole, gnocchi with spicy sausage in cream sauce, tiramisu, cannolis and everything else responsible for the big-fat-mafioso-so-tight-with-gas-he-can-barely-speak-above-a-Godfather-whisper stereotype.  Clem had four open-heart surgeries, and was two-hundred pounds overweight when he died at fifty-three.  His doctor told him that his heart was the size of a Buick, and that if he didn't lay off the sauce, he'd be dead before he grew wrinkles around his eyes.  Clem responded, in his wheelchair, napkin defiantly tucked under his chin, that he'd rather die happy than thin.  And so he did. 

Sometimes, it's the same with sex.  I've got a friend whose boyfriend does things like put her in a cage and has her clean the bathroom floor in a garter belt with a ball gag in her mouth.  They couldn't be happier, and I'm certain that if one day she decided she'd like to put the leash on him for a change, everything would fall apart.  It would be the celery stick that replaced the meatball, so to speak. 

I don't know where you guys fit into the whole power exchange game - is submissiveness a huge part of your sexual identities, or do you fight over who has to get out and pump gas and sleep in the wet spot too?  If it's just a laziness thing, or a whiskey dick thing, you need to start taking turns, and lay off the sauce, if you want to stay together.  Learn how to enjoy being on top (is there anything worse than feeling like someone's doing you begrudgingly?)  Experiment with different positions and moves, and find some that you like, or at least some that don't exhaust you too much.  Focus on how much you adore him, and are hot for him, and less on how great it would feel to have your face in the pillow.  Either that, or maybe you guys could find a willing third to come over and take care of both your sexual needs?  And perhaps mix you drinks while he's at it?

If you're both bottoms, and a bottoms you shall always be, you need to go out and find yourselves some tops.  Sex is a rill important part of every relationship, and you guys may make better spooning partners and drinking buddies than boyfriends. 

Dear Jen,
I finally got the guts to go on my first girl-girl date.  It started out really well, but then she kept wanting to drag the date out, and when we went back to my place, she didn't want to leave.  The date started out on Saturday at noon, and ended on Sunday at 4:45 pm when I finally kicked her out.  Are all lezzies like this?  Please.  She cancelled a date with another girl to continue to be with me on Sunday!  And cancelled a trip out of town this weekend, thinking that I will want to spend more time with her...um no thank you. I feel like I've had a year long relationship with this chick, and it's only been two days! How do I drop her without feeling like she'll have a nervous breakdown?
- Desperately Seeking a Nice Way to Dump Her

Dear Nice,
Um, I'm trying to think of something clever to say here, but I just can't.  And I'm trying not to be too harsh, but this is such a ridiculous letter.  Unless you were handcuffed to the radiator with a rolled-up sock taped in your mouth and a rifle in your ear, I don't understand why you were on such a long date with someone you had no interest in hanging out with.  I can see having trouble getting rid of someone for, say, an hour or two, but you let it go on for nearly thirty hours?  And now you're trying to blame the entire lesbian population for it? 

Since I can't think of anything clever to say, I'm going to point out some of the clever things you said:

but then she kept wanting to drag the date out, and when we went back to my place....
How does one get back to your place without your assistance?  And why would you assist if it was a drag?

Please. 
Indeed.

She cancelled a date with another girl to continue to be with me on Sunday! 
This would have been a good time to tell her you had other plans.

In my old age, nothing bores me more than people with victim complexes.  She sounds like a clingy nightmare, but you sound like a wuss.  Call her and tell her it was nice meeting her, but you're just not feeling it and don't want to continue to date.  Or be her friend (if she's that obsessive, she'll cling to any crumb you toss her).  Then don't take any of her phone calls (of which there will be many) or contact her again.  If she has a nervous breakdown after only knowing you for thirty hours, that's her, and her therapist's, problem.  Here's what you don't do.  Don't  invite her over so you can spend the weekend not telling her how you don't want to date her, and then blame it on her when she doesn't go away.