Master Masturbators and Selfish Husbands

Dear Jen,
I'm not sure if this problem stems from my own issues, or from a lack of talented lovers, but when me and my hand are thoroughly enjoying ourselves, I can reach orgasm in record time, or multiple times, you name it.  But when I'm with somebody else I can never reach that point.  I'm into it, it's feeling really good, but then I start to get self-conscious about the fact that nobody, other than myself, can get me to orgasm, and I end up either faking it or moving on to something else.  Am I doomed to be my one and only?  Also, I'm bisexual (or whatever you wanna call it), but have yet to be with a woman.  Maybe that has something to do with it - maybe men just suck? 
- The Lone Wolf

Dear Wolf,
Ever been on a long road trip and decide to help yourself to yourself while driving?  You have to strategically hide your hands under a jacket or a map so as not to get busted by passing trucks and SUVs.  Unless you're into the whole being watched thing, of course, and then you might want to lean on the horn or drive with your ass out the window (it can be done.  Cruise control).  Either way, you have to make sure you've got a nice stretch of clear road ahead of you when the big moment comes, because for a few seconds there the big O, not you, will be calling the shots on whether you speed up, slow down or slam into a horse trailer.  The fact that so many people experience this blissful loss of control whilst steering with their knees, at 80 miles per hour, makes me wonder that there aren't more of us found flipped over in our cars with our hands down our pants.

Considering the fact that orgasms render us completely helpless, it's actually pretty amazing that anyone can have one with someone they don't fully trust.  Or really even like!  Add to that that you're usually naked, spread-cheeked and uncertain about what your body has up its sleeve as far as moans, fluids, convulsions, never-before-uttered-truths - it's amazing any of us ever leave the house.

Your inability to loosen up with another person is not surprising, or uncommon.  Having sex puts you in a very vulnerable position, especially if you're a woman.  The fact that you're entertaining the possibility that it's because men just suck, however, is another story.  Methinks it's time you skipped off to the therapist's office for a little Men and Me talk.  Yes, it could be that you're a budding lesbaroo and just need to find the right lady to make you sing the sweet song, but I have a feeling that won't happen until you work on yourself either.  You need to get comfortable with your body, your sexuality, and your dirty little thoughts, and get over your trust issues before your hand relinquishes first place to anyone, be they male or female. 

Dear Jen
I am forty-six years old and my husband is thirty-six.  The problem is that he is a sex-a-holic, to the extreme!  He wants sex at LEAST once a day, everyday, 365 days a year.  If he doesn't get it, he freaks out and becomes mean, angry and won't talk to me.  What am I to do?

I used to have sex with him every single day for the first four years we were together.  Now we're down to once a week because I'm too tired.  He works nights, so we hardly see each other, but when he gets home at  four a.m., he wants sex and tries waking me up.  I used to oblige him at this hour, but I am too tired to do that anymore.   BUT when I do have sex with him, I am WILD.  I will do anything, I always have.  I let him call me bitch, whore, I let him have his way with me.  We do it for a minimum of one hour each and every time.  No quickies in our house.   I would think that because the sex is so great when we do have it, he could handle not having it everyday, but he still complains.  Oh let me not forget to mention...he also jerks off at least once a day, everyday.  Even if we have wild sex, he still jerks off that day.  This is truly a problem for us.  What should I do?  I love him, but he isn't happy because I'm not fulfilling his needs and he has been telling me this for the last two years. 
- Worn Out

Dear Worn,
Your husband sounds like a lovely guy -  he freaks out, becomes mean, angry and won't talk to you if you don't give him what he wants, when he wants it?  I've babysat for more mature individuals. 

This has less to do with his perma-boner than it does with his inability to compromise and respect your needs.  I'm sure you'd love a foot rub every day, 365 days a year, even when you wake up to go to work while he's still sleeping, but you're certainly not going to go around making him feel lousy for not giving you one if he's not in the mood.  Or if he's sound asleep.

I'd say it's time you guys took a trip down therapy road.  You need to get to a place where you both feel heard and taken care of, and since it sounds to me like he's only interested in taking care of himself, you're going to need a grown up in the room to make sure he behaves. Think of a therapist as a lunch lady of sorts, who can order him to the corner to take a time out next time he throws his baloney sandwich at you.  Because if his solution to your problem for the past two years has been to complain about what a crappy wife you are, rather than think, "hmmm, the woman I love and want to spend the rest of my life with has different needs than I do - how can we make this work?" you are going to need some help. 

You don't "owe" him unlimited sex, but he does owe you respect.  I'm going to go ahead here and assume that he married you for more reasons other than the fact that you let him toss you around the bedroom, so he needs to start focusing more on those, and less on what's in your pants.  If this is impossible for him, and it's all sex, all the time or nothing, then perhaps you guys need to find other, more compatible mates.