Big Muffs, Questionable Condoms, and Are You Really Going to Marry Him?

Dear Jen,
I've been happily attached to the same gal for over 15 years now, so my understanding of what goes on out there in humpity-bumpity land is limited to what I see from time to time on the internet.  And what I see makes me wonder about a coupla things:  what's up with condom use and pubic hair?

OK, condoms first. From what I see, everyone is slurping each other from top to bottom and poking about with tongues and fingers with no condom in sight.  When it's finally time for the red meats to meet, on comes the latex raincoat--bang, bang, bang, for however long--and then off it comes just in time for the fella to splatter the chick with the seeds of life (...or death, as the case may be) over every curved inch of her body, within scant millimeters of where the worst damage can be done.  Can you tell me what, exactly, is being protected against by this practice? Are not all the dangerous pitfalls of sexual conduct being flirted herewith, except for during the actual act Itself?  I don't get it.

And pubic hair: is it comin' or goin' these days? For the longest time, pubes were few and far between on the little screen.  Now I'm starting to see 5-o'clock shadows, if not virtual forests, showing up again in the nether regions.  I gotta say, I really missed the stuff and am delighted to see it making a comeback.  Why would you say it disappeared in the first place?  Do you think it's back, and will it stick around for awhile?
-No sé José

Dear José,
Condoms first:  I'm sorry to say that you are indeed correct - using a condom only during sexual penetration is like wearing a bib while eating a whale - you're gonna get stuff on you.  But since the scariest cooties are passed on through things like cuts and mucus membranes, unless semen or blood or herpes sores or whatever makes contact with either of these, you're in fairly good shape.  Doing porn is risky mostly because you have so many different opportunities to catch things from so many different partners.  Who also have so many different partners.  And so  on, and so on....but maybe that's all just part of having a dangerous job, like working in a sawmill or being in the army.  The main difference being that no one ever sees any workman's comp or federal aid for contracting a touch of the HIV's.

And pubic hair:  According to Wikipedia, the Brazilian Bikini Wax came to the U.S. in 1987 when a group of Brazilian sisters opened up a salon in lower Manhattan.  Eventually, celebrities such as Paula Yates and Gwyneth Paltrow began gushing about the joys of having no hair down there, and suddenly, pubes across the country were fearing for their lives.  As to whether or not the bush is back, Wikipedia and I have no idea.  But if it is, and if I had to guess as to why (which I do since I have no fricken idea), I'd say it's because some celebrity was out sunning in the nude, got busted with a big muff, and now the Brazilian sisters are out looking for new jobs.

Dear Jen,
My fiancé and I have sex on a regular basis, but we only have it when he's the one to initiate it.   He doesn't enjoy affection in any way and gets really upset if I touch him.  This has obviously caused me to have a low self-esteem, and has made me so uncomfortable when we are having sex that I don't enjoy it, and haven't had an orgasm with him in over a year.  I know that the answer is to talk to him about it, but when I try, he shuts down. No other aspect of our relationship has this kind of difficulty, so I would really like to fix it.
- Waiting For My Turn

Dear Waiting,
So let me get this straight:  This guy recoils from your touch, only allows sex when he wants it, refuses to communicate, makes you feel like poop, hasn't given you an orgasm in over a year, and you're going to marry him?  Really?  You really are going to marry him? 

Why not just keep him around to go bowling with, or hit him up for a ride to the airport every now and then, rather than trap yourself in an uncommunicative, affectionless, emotionally abusive marriage?  If he was open to working through this stuff with you, I'd suggest you get some couples counseling, but since he's not, I'm going to suggest you get a new fiancé instead.  No Communication = Game Over.  And perhaps you could use a wee bit of counseling yourself - you've got to learn to up your standards before sticking out your ring finger.