Open Buttholes and Closed Doors

Dear Jen,
I am a happily married male who's been with my wife for over 15 years.  We have a wonderful relationship and sex life.  Here's my dilemma - I love anal play.  Can't get enough of it.  My wife has a strap-on that we use, but I am looking for something a little better.  I am not bi-curious at all.  Any suggestions?
- Buttaholic

Dear Buttaholic,
I'm not exactly sure what you mean by better......bigger?  Rougher?  One with built in speakers?

As luck would have it, just yesterday I was invited to hang out on the set of a porn movie, one that was all about anal, so my butt know how is in tip top shape.  I learned many, many, many, many things, including that the people who make pornography, or at least the people who were making this movie, are the kind of people I'd like my grandma to meet.  I felt like I was at a family BBQ - there was food, beer, much laughter, hugs, good times.  The only difference was that it all happened within five feet of some girl moaning at the top of her lungs while she got the holy frijoles banged out of her (but even she, between takes, mentioned she'd like a turkey sandwich please, no mayo, put aside for her she was done).

Meanwhile, the people at the fancy magazine launch party I went to the night before at some Beverly Hills hotel penthouse didn't give me the time of day. 
The two crowds were practically indistinguishable too - boob jobs for as far as the eye could see, barely-there outfits - but would any of those Beverly Hills party people made the effort to get off the couch, dick in hand so as not to lose their hard-on when the scene started up again, to point out exactly where the bathroom was when I asked?  I think not.

Another thing I learned was that there are people who can take two penises up the ass at once.  Some even three (these women had sphincters you could drive a car through).  Would that be better for you?  You could maybe double or triple up on your strap on action, or have your wife stick her fingers in there along with the dildo. 

There is also the ever-popular fisting, and if it is indeed size you crave, they make dildos you could sit under for shade.  You might also want to experiment with vibration, temperature, spanking, butt beads, anal massage, rimming, standing on your head, and enemas.  You should check out, The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Men by Bill Brent, and go online to search out whatever other butt needs you have.  Happy bunning!

Dear Jen,
I'm a writer who's been living in LA for three years now.  I am very happy with my professional life, which is consumed by writing, but I haven't developed any kind of social life. When I was with my wife we had many friends, but now I have very few, and haven't had a single date in over five years.

I would like to know if it really is possible to meet women through online dating.  Could you give me some advice as to how to go about doing this? I would like to have sex, romance, or even marriage in my life again.
- Shut In

Dear Shut In,
As a fellow writer, I have three words of advice:  Leave.  The.  House.  It's not easy, and can be kind of scary because there are people out there and what if you need to suddenly take a nap or eat a bowl of cereal, but you need to get out.  I get so ensconced in the cave that my mailman is sometimes the only person I see for several days in a row.  He's taken to tossing my mail in the general direction of my mailbox, and darting off behind the bushes for fear I'll see him and trap him in a conversation about anything I can think of and don't you maybe want to come in for a nice piece of toast?

Writing = ass + chair + solitude.  Life = getting off your ass + engaging in the world + having normal conversations with people other than just those who have to talk to you because they're in the service industry.  These are opposite states of being.  To bring them together takes effort.  I spent nearly a month alone writing my novel, and when a worried friend insisted I hose myself off and come to a party she was having, I was unable to interact properly.  It was hard to form words with my lips, and the sound of my voice freaked me out.  Her friends treated me cordially, but looked at me like I might bite them at any moment.  I'm not kidding. 

Online dating is good and has worked for many people, but it can also be another way to spend more time alone in front of the computer.  If you do decide to do it, promise me that you won't wile away the days flipping through pictures of cute girls, sending a wink here and there, and never getting up the cajones to call anyone.  I recommend one email back and forth, then a phone call, and then get ye to the coffee shop.  Also, be very honest in your profile and put up a picture that looks like you.  Go to nerve.com or match.com and they'll explain the process.  Happy hunting!