Porn Jealousy and Penis Envy

Dear Jen,
My boyfriend and I have been together for five years, and lately things have been slow in the bedroom.  It's been two weeks since he's touched me in a sexual way, and now I find out that he's been watching porn on his computer while he's "working".  Why is it that men would rather watch porn when they have the ready, willing, and able at arms reach?!
- Passed up for Porn

Dear Passed,
Because sometimes you don't want ready, willing, and able.  Sometimes you want barely legal twins and the refrigerator repair guy.  I'm not saying it's o.k. to substitute a real sex life with porn, but there's nothing wrong with a supplemental hoist every now and then.  Besides, I'd be willing to bet that he's been watching porn all along - you're just more sensitive to it now that you're not getting any (which is totally understandable, btw). 

The problem here is not all men and porn, the problem here is that your man is ignoring you.  You need to sit his porn-lovin ass down and ask him what's up.  Maybe he's mad at you.  Maybe he's going through something and needs a little space.  Maybe he's bored.  Who knows?

I don't know you guys, but I will say that a common problem in long-term relationships is that people get lazy.  They stop putting time and energy into keeping things juicy, and their sex lives just get up one night and wander off in a daze, never to be seen again.  Think about it - for the past five years, you guys have been looking at the samey same same, same-ole, if I seen it once, I seen it a million times, naked body in the bed next to you.  And things probably just don't pop the way they used to.  Say what you will about porn, but those nice folks sure put their creativity caps on when it comes to the fuckin - why not take a cue from them (or maybe even watch some with him)?  Get out the baby oil, put a saddle on him and ride him around the living room, do it standing up with just your socks on, whatever honks your horns. 

Hopefully, in the past five years, you've built up a strong enough foundation to deal with whatever the problem is.  So don't focus on the fact that he's watching porn, but focus on the fact that he's not watching you, and hopefully you'll work it out.

Dear Jen,
My wife and I had a 3-some involving another man and she was pleasured by him in a way I've never seen her be before.  It was so good, she ended up leaving me for him, but, to make a very long story short, we recently got back together because we realized how much we loved and missed each other.  Since then, things have been going very slowly.  We had a wonderful experience recently, but it didn't compare to that night with him.  I fear that she will be disappointed and am determined to learn how to be an amazing lover.  I also wonder if there is a size problem. I can give her clitoral orgasms, after which she likes a "quickie" and I wonder if it's because I'm smaller than he was that she just wants to get it over with.  She assures me that size isn't a problem, but I have been pondering natural penis growth techniques.  Is there something I can do to make her want intercourse more, or am I stuck with quickies for the rest of our marriage?  What can I do to assure a pleasurable experience for both of us?  
- Smaller Than Thou

Dear Smaller,
The only size problem  here the size of the gaping hole in your self-esteem.  This whole experience really frizzizzled something deep in your core (understandably), and you need to focus on fixing that, not on adding some bang to your bulge.  Please get yourself some therapy, and bring your wife with you.  If your feelings of inadequacy, and your trust issues with her, aren't dealt with, your relationship is going to be in deep doo doo. 

Mr. Wondercock, whoever he was, was a fun fling for her, but you're the one she wants to spend her life with.  You have to stop comparing yourself to this guy or you're going to drive yourself, and your wife, crazy.  Comparing yourself to anyone, about anything, accomplishes nothing, other than often making you feel lousy about yourself.  Why oh why do we do it?!  Instead, focus on what you do have (a wife that's crazy about you, the desire to have as good a relationship as you can) and cut yourself some slack.

As far as your specific questions about your sex life go, I'm not sure there's much you can do until you guys work some stuff out.  Because as it stands, your impetus to please her is coming from a neurotic need to out-stud someone else, which is many things, none of which are sexy.  Until you can both get back to that  fun exciting place where you explore sex together, are open, trusting, and don't have the shadow of some guy, and his bigger wiener, looming over you, no amount of neato tricks are going to make a difference.  You must work the soil before reaping the crop.