Self-fellating Men and Syntax-obsessed Women

Dear Jen,
I  am a trim, healthy straight man and I have a problem with a girlfriend. Recently, while playing in bed, I said, "watch this babe!" and then proceeded to suck myself off for a few seconds.  I thought that this would excite her, but it did the opposite.  She got very flipped out and angry instead.  Do you have any idea as to why a woman would react this way?
- Because I Can

Dear I Can,
Really?  You can really do that?  And she got flipped out and angry?  Sigh.  There's no lonelier feeling than having our big, "look ma, no hands!" moments fall on unimpressed eyes.  It really takes all the fun out of it. 

If it makes you feel any better, I can think of several ladies at this very moment who would happily come over and give your little act there an enthusiastic look see.  I for one am always impressed by feats of great physical complication.  My aunt used to be able to crack open nuts with her big toe (bunions have since felled the great lady).  I could watch that all day, and sat there feeding her things to shell for hours, like an elephant at the zoo.  Then there was my ex-boyfriend who could burp the entire alphabet on command.  One burp.  Two words:  Sex.  E.  But the one who left me the most pie-eyed was the lead singer of some punk band that went on before us in New York one time.  He was this naked, drunk, angry, sweaty guy, who twisted open a beer bottle with his ass cheeks, guzzled it down, and smashed it over his own head.  Then his band kicked in and he leapt off the stage into the crowd, swinging punches and screaming, "EAT MY FUCK YOU FUCKING ASS TITS!"  Was I a little jealous, just like your lady friend no doubt is?  How could I not be?  But did I get flipped out and angry when half the crowd walked out after the great man left the stage?   Of course not.  Because I couldn't compete with that, nor did I want to.  It would have been disrespectful, like getting to see Neil Young and then being all mad that he was a better guitarist than I was.  Unlike your girlfriend, I chose to revel in the fact that I got to share the stage with such staggering genius (and attempted, and sadly failed, to find the bottle cap afterwards as a souvenir).

Your girlfriend doesn't have to find your self-sucking sexy, but getting angry and flipped out about it seems a tad dramatic to me.  Maybe she's worried that you can do it better than she can - does she throw things at you when you jerk off too?  Maybe she's just super conservative, or was attacked at the circus as a child or something.  I don't know.  All I know is you shouldn't do it in front of her if you be wantin to get some. 

Dear Jen,
I'm a lesbian and have been dating this great woman for 6 months.   We have a lot in common, are very sexually  compatible and talk sometimes twice a day.  She occasionally says "I love you" at the close of conversations, yet insists she is not "in love."  She also says she's not ready for a relationship, but wants to date me exclusively (for health reasons).   She insists she isn't dating any one else, yet I usually initiate our time together.  If I'm so important, why wouldn't she ever initiate it?

Here's a doozy....she forgot our 6 month anniversary, and when I drove by her house at 2:30 a.m. and saw her ex-girlfriend's car outside, I barged in and discovered she was sleeping in my woman's bed!   She said she hasn't been sexual with her in 4 years, and doesn't plan to be.  But she also said she couldn't promise that it wouldn't happen again.

I finally told her I'd continue to date her until someone else comes into my life, and she said, "ok."  Really! 

My question is this: what is the difference between the terms "dating exclusively," "friends with benefits," and "girlfriends"?
-  Which Box am I In?

Dear Box,
Have you ever wandered around your house, frantically looking for your glasses, only to discover that they're sitting on top of your head?  Happens all the time to me, I'm not proud to say.  And it's because I have a touch of the Not Paying Attentions.  I think I'm focused on finding them, meanwhile I'm really focused on all the distracting fuzz twittering around my brain. 

I'm going to save you some time here, and show you where your glasses are (even though they're sitting on your face):

"I'm not in love with you"

"I'm not ready for a relationship"

"I don't care if you date other people" 

"I'm not going to make an effort to spend time with you"

"I'm gonna go ahead and snuggle up with my ex-girlfriend on our anniversary"

"I want you all to myself because I don't want any crotch cooties, not because I want you all to myself.  Except when I'm feeling needy and want to talk on the phone twice a day"

Your original letter went on for many more paragraphs (please, people, I do have a life outside this column!) and it was full of many more examples.  What difference does it make what the difference is between girlfriends or fuck-buddies or suckers or drama queens?  Bottom line is, she's just not that into you.  You can continue to date her, but don't hold your breath waiting for her to commit.  Rather, stop driving by her house in the middle of the night, stop talking to her twice a day, get yourself a dental damn and start getting it on with someone else.