terminally single and break up already, living in sin, jen sincero, sex advice

Dear Jen
I’m one of those women who never has a boyfriend. I’m 35 and have had several relationships, but none of them ever rang true to me or lasted very long. Usually we were pretty poorly matched or one of us was much more into it than the other or some other lame, non-workable situation.

I’ve felt ready to find someone for a few years now but just keep falling into the same old bad situations with the wrong guys. I’ve been dating online, getting set-up, looking good, putting myself out there, etc. but it’s been a couple of years now and I’m starting to wonder what’s wrong with me. Am I doomed for a life of spinsterdom?
- Where is he Already?

Dear Where,
Very often when people say “I want a boyfriend/girlfriend” it’s much the same as when little girls say “I want a pony” or a stoned person says “I want a Big Mac.” They have this vague, idealistic idea of this excellent thing that will vastly improve their present situations, never make them feel sick to their stomachs or lay a turd in the middle of their birthday parties. Meanwhile your subconscious knows who’s going to wind up paying for it and cleaning up after it and that ponys will let anyone with a cute little ass ride them because that’s exactly what its pony did.

This is why it’s crucial that you and your subconscious have a little “us” talk. Like it or not, you are your subconscious’ bitch, so no matter how great something sounds to you, if deep down you can’t handle it or are scared it will bite you or know that it’s really bad for you, you are not going to let yourself have it. Or you will but you’ll be rill fucked up about it.

So how do you reprogram your subconscious? You can meditate, read books that make you say “aha” a lot, go to therapy, get hypnotized, pay attention and learn from your mistakes, pay attention and learn from people in happy relationships and do this exercise:

I trust men.
I want a man in my life, in my face, in my heart.
I love men.
Being with a man would be a positive addition to my life.
I want to open up and deal with my issues.
I want to deal with someone else’s issues.
I deserve to be with somebody excellent.
I (insert biggest toe curler here and reverse it).

Repeat these everyday until you can say them without the little voice in your head screaming “spinster, please!”

Then make a list of what you want. Be super specific and only use affirmatives. If you want a guy so you don’t grow old surrounded by cats, then you will grow old surrounded by cats because that’s what you’re focusing on. Write down the details of who he is, and what your life together looks like, and read it often. And then open wide your tiny mind - things come in unexpected packages and you could miss the cowboy of your dreams just because he pulls up on a scooter instead of a horse.

I have a friend who used to be a wild workaholic, travelaholic, can’tsitdowncuzmyassisonfire woo hoo type of person. Then one day a spider sat down beside her, bit her and she got a weird infection that traveled to her heart and rendered her horizontal and confused for two years. It completely changed her life and, among many other things, made her take notice of this quiet, gentle, lovely guy who she would have merely left a footprint on in her other life and who is now her husband.

You have the power to get anything you want. You just have to be mighty clear, really truly want it and push through a couple of lessons before you and your pint of ice cream will have someone to join you on the couch.

♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠♠

Dear Jen,
I'm 22, pretty, smart, witty and completely fabulous. I've been dating my current boyfriend for almost a year. We've been living together for about 5 months and he's driving me crazy! This is my first real relationship...

Before we started dating I was a wild party girl. Once we starting getting serious, I calmed down and changed my ways because he said I wasn't single anymore and I needed to stop acting like it. He did have a point.

Now I'm working hard taking care of my two 90 year old grandparents and trying to finish my last year of college.

My problem is that he hates all my friends because they're single and still like to have a good time. Did I mention that he's a "glass half empty" kind of guy? He's been cheated on in the past and all these issues are projecting into our relationship. Lately he's been super controlling and I feel like he's trying to change me into the girl version of him...did I mention he's a workaholic?

It's currently my spring break and I want to go out with my friends, but when he heard this he said it was inappropriate for me to get all dressed up to go to a dance club. I like to dance and have a good time, but he won't take me dancing and doesn't want me going out with my friends. Meanwhile I've never given him a reason to not trust me, ever!

I love this man, but I've always hated seeing my friends in these kind of relationships and I refuse to let myself be in one.

IS BREAKING UP PRETTY MUCH MY ONLY OPTION???
- Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Dear Should,
Don't you have more important things to do than write me letters like this? Like remove yourself from the kind of relationship you allegedly refuse to let yourself be in? I can't tell you how many letters like yours I get from people who already know exactly what they need to do, they're just too scared/insecure/into the sex to make it happen. The difference is that they pretend there's some big mystery they have to figure out before they can leave their miserable comfort zones and let themselves be happy, while you see your situation for what it is. You know that if you stay with this guy you'll wind up watching all your friends, energy, self-confidence and joie de vivre slowly swirl their way down the toilet bowl and out of sight. You know exactly what you have to do. You even put it in all caps so that maybe, just maybe, you'd actually listen to your completely fabulous self. So....um....what do you want me to do? Put it in a bigger font?

I one time had a conversation with this woman who got really crippling period cramps, the kind that make you feel like there's a squirrel in your gut trying to chew his way out. While he punches you. And makes balloon animals out of your large intestine. I used to get the same kind, and according to the 453,285,129 gynecologists I went to, there were three ways to end my pain: Go on the pill, have surgery or give birth. As all three seemed equally unappealing, I decided to read up on nutrition instead and learned that drinking coffee was fueling these episodes. So I quit. A short lived headache and a bit of grouchiness later, the sun came out, the birds started chirping and I could leave the house in something other than an ambulance when it was my special time of the month. So I tell this story to this woman and she gets all mad at me. "I can't give up coffee! I need it to stay awake!" She was adamant, humorless, so I left it alone.

This isn't your first real relationship. It's your first crappy one. And you are clearly smart enough, and self-assured enough, to make it your last.