Stereotypical Lesbians and Dirty Old Ladies

Dear Jen,
I know I'm probably not the first one to complain about this, but my girlfriend wants to talk about our relationship way more than I do.  We are both women, and I know women are famous for this, but I feel like I somehow escaped the stereotype while she got enough of the gabs for both of us.  I really love her, and feel communication is vital, but do we have to talk about it all the time, everyday?  Is there anything I can do?
- Talked Out

Dear Talked,
I'm so glad you wrote in because this is a topic that's made me want to bang my head against the wall in silent desperation on many occasions.  What is it with emotional windbags?  Do they get a nickel and a cookie every time they talk about their feelings?  Don't they realize that you have to have experiences first in order to have something to talk about later?  And why are they always so good in bed?

You are correct, women are famous for it, and believe me, they've earned their reputation, but as someone's who's dated several guys who could make the processiest of processors look like the tongueless wonder, I must report that the gab gene goes both ways.  I had one boyfriend who was so out of control that I had to demand we only talk about our relationship on Fridays.  All other times, any mention of the words "us," "feel," or "needs" was met with a finger in the face and a sharp "up!",  but from midnight on Thursday to midnight on Friday, one could find me yellow and deflated, clinging to the sides of buildings with exhaustion.  He eventually took up flower arranging and sneaking around in my clothes, which leads me to believe that, as we've suspected all along, it's all estrogen's fault.  Just as my deep hatred of musical theater could be blamed on testosterone, we all have varying levels of boy juice and girl juice in us, but I'd take a guy who loves to skip over some dude you need an ice pick and a hammer to get a decent conversation out of anyday.

But what can we do to get some sleep around here?  Get her to go to therapy so she has someone else to spew to.  Suggest she keep a journal.  Tell her about Feelings Fridays.  Make sure she's taking her meds.  Dump her for someone who isn't so needy.  That's all I can think of.  Oh, and make sure you aren't being a closed-off lughead - we choose everyone for a reason, and maybe you need to open up more than you realize.

Dear Jen,
I'm a 37 year old woman in dire need of advice.  One of my best friends is a divorced, 41 year old woman who has a 19 year old son.  I've known them both for about 5 years, but only met her son on a couple occasions when he was home from boarding school.  Well, guess who came on to me last time he was home visiting Mommy?  And guess who leapt at the chance to sleep with that fine looking morsel of a boy?

I'd be lying if I said this was the first time I've slept with a member of the younger generation, but I usually don't do it so close to home.  I managed to break it off with the boy without too much drama, but I feel deceitful by not telling his mother about what I did.  At the same time, I feel like since it's not going to happen again, I don't have to humiliate myself, and threaten our friendship, by telling her.  What should I do?
- Dirty Old Lady

Dear Dirty,
Isn't it weird how right as you're about to do something really irresponsible everything drops away - your judgment, your nerves, your pants - and you walk boldly into the storm with unwavering intent.  I think this calm clarity is reserved for only two situations:  those where you're doing something that you absolutely know you should do, and those where you're doing something that you absolutely know you shouldn't.  These, they are special moments.

In your case, an even specialer moment would have been the one where you had an ounce of self-restraint and decided to fish out of a different kiddy pool.  Sleeping with your best friend's child is like sleeping with her freshly divorced husband or the guy she's been lusting after for years - it's technically ok, but it's begging for trouble.

Technically, you don't have to tell her.  He's a grown up, you're a growner up, it's really between the two of you.  Mommy may give you the heave ho if she ever finds out, but this may never happen.  The only question is whether or not you can live with that giant morsel of an elephant in the room.  If you can, don't tell her.  If you can't, take a deep breath, spill the beans and get on with your life.