Taboo Crushes and Friends With Exes

Dear Jen,
I'm a twenty-six-year-old lesbian who has a feckin' huge crush on a straight girl -- the losing your appetite, writing stupid poetry, going-wobbly-at-the-knees-at-the-mere-sight-of-her kind of crush. She knows all about it (although I don't know if she knows how serious I am), and we laugh about it even though it's a little awkward.

Recently she's been hinting that she wouldn't mind experimenting with me, even though she's pretty sure that she's not attracted to me emotionally and might just be in it for the sex. I'm totally lost. I'd love to sleep with her, but I also have an annoying tendency to attach to the people who share my bed, and I'm afraid that if we had sex, I'd fall (more) in love with her and things would become a real mess.  Meanwhile, the other half of my brain is screaming "Go for it!" because she makes me hotter than anyone I've ever known and I'd have to be a total idiot not to take what I can get. What should I do?
- Can't See Straight

Dear Straight,
Ain't life cruel?  It's constantly wagging stuff in our faces like hot married people, Vicodin, fast cars, hot crazy people, corndogs, $700 shoes, casinos, cigarettes, two-for-one corndogs and countless other things that can provide a serious rush of instant gratification but which wind up costing us dearly down the road. 

This morning my cat woke me up at 5:45 with his "gotta poop, gotta poop right now" little circle dance that he does on my chest when he needs to be let out/scare the hell out of me (I'd rather be jumped in my sleep than have a litterbox, you see.)  I'd had a pretty late night, but when I opened the door and saw the full moon still high in the sky and that golden, other-worldly light from the sunrise starting to take over I so wanted to go out in it.  But I was really really tired, a little hungy wungy and it was chilly out there.  Luckily, not only did I have very little time to negotiate with the come-hitherings of my bed due to the quickly rising sun, but all my clothes from the night before were conveniently laid out on the floor so all I had to do was put them back on.  Which I did.  And I soon found myself on my bike, riding alongside an ocean that looked like it was on another planet with a big, cheese-eatin grin on my face.

For me, this is Thrillsville, yet I can count on one hand the number of times I've dragged my ass out of bed early enough to do this.  Which brings me to the topic of self-discipline.  I feel like self-discipline has a torturous, fun-free, anti beer-for-breakfast type of reputation.  Meanwhile, every time you practice it you're basically doing something good for yourself.  You are a disciple of yourself, if I may be so bold.  You love your own flowing robes and will do whatever it takes to support and honor your journey through this life.  I'm still gonna have a Bud with my cereal every once in a while, but I know the more I do what makes me happiest and healthiest, the better off I'll be.

I salute you for admitting that if you sleep with this chick you're setting yourself up for months, maybe even years, of torture, depending on how hot she thinks the sex is.  Especially when it's so tempting to pretend you could handle it.  But remember, they're called "crushes" for a reason.  If you want to live through this one without getting totally flattened, I suggest you start limiting your hang time,  refrain from drinking alcohol in her presence and date as many hot lesbians as you can get your hands on.  Immediately.  But it's really up to you. You have to decide if the thrill of nailing the object of your desire outweighs the straight-girl "I'm Into You, I'm Into You Not" back and forths you'll no doubt be setting yourself up for for who only knows how long.  Yes, there is that chance that once she gets a taste she'll trade in her straight ways for more curvacious ones, but she doesn't sound as open to that idea as I'd like her to be.  I say forgo the corndog and have a salad.  It's not as tasty in the moment, but you won't be doubled over in pain down the road.  May the force be with you!  I'monna go pick my clothes up off the floor now....

Dear Jen,
I broke up with my boyfriend of two years a few weeks ago and it's been incredibly hard.  I'm glad we broke up because we weren't making each other happy, but there are still so many things I miss about him.  I wish I could talk to him about how sad I am but I know I shouldn't.

For the moment I'm staying away, but I hate the thought of him not being in my life at all.  Do you think it's possible to be friends down the road with someone you were in love with?  I'm not friends with any of my ex boyfriends, but since this was such a major relationship, I'd really like to try it with him, even if it's not for a few years.  The thought of never seeing him again just makes me too sad.
- Don't Want to Nix my Ex

Dear Nix,
What is this whole thing about staying friends with your exes?  Are people really pulling it off out there?  And how the hell are they doing it?  The only exes I'm still  friends with I was never in love with in the first place so they don't really count.  Then there are those I wouldn't go near again because they exhaust, bore or scare the hell out of me. The others I'd just be faking it with because, if given the chance and really not even very much tequila, I'd jump their bones so fast they wouldn't know what hit them.

My definition of "friend" means someone you can hang out with easily, share your hopes, dreams and crushes with, someone who doesn't poke that special soft spot in your heart and make you feel all nostalgic about that special snuggly thing you once had together.  Friendships are complicated enough without heaping all that leftover crap on them.  I just don't see the point.

I do know some people who have honestly pulled it off and I am awed by them, much the same way I am by people who can have a permanent third in their marriage or who can smoke one cigarette a day and leave it at that.  But I think they are few and far between - most people are pretending a fully loaded situation isn't just so they can feel the rush.  Why you'd want to go back and get in deep with someone you nearly killed yourself sawing off your arm is a mystery to me.  Yes, it's so nice to feel that closeness, but why not get a dog or something? 

Here's the thing you have to remember:  this just happened to you so your brain is still all goopy with thoughts of him.  As time goes by, he will become less and less important in your life, and the desire you have to keep him around may be replaced by a bigger desire to be free and move on to someone better suited for you.