Foot Binding, Vaginoplasty, Boogers, Oh My!

Dear Jen,
I was wondering where you stood on the pantyhose issue.  I know most women dress for comfort, and to hell with what men may or may not think, but, as a guy, I find them incredibly sexy.  I 'd love to hear your thoughts.
- Hot for the Hose

Oh dear.  I'm pretty sure you wouldn't love to hear my thoughts, but here goes.  Before I begin my dissertation however, let me say that I agree with you.  Pantyhose look great.  They make legs smooth, silky and sleek, and some even provide control tops to squeeze away any unsightly gut blobs. 

We heart the hose because our definition of beauty is dictated by our cultural conditioning, and the straight white dudes who run the machine give pantyhose a hearty round of high fives.  In the old days, they decided it was all about rib-busting, blackout-inducing corsets.  In China, it was foot binding.  Today it's boob jobs, tummy tucks, botox, butt lifts and.....vaginoplasty?  Has it really come to vaginoplasty?

I really am going to answer your question, but I need you to do a few things first:

1.) Chase after a cab in three-inch heels and then wear them for a full eight to ten hour workday. Walk down some steps.   Walk up some steps.  Stand around at a cocktail party.  Walk on grass.  Give someone a lap dance.

2.) Get your genital area waxed, including your butthole.  Do your legs too.

3.) Cram five pounds of silicone under each nipple and go jogging.  Without a lumbar strap.  Or food.  Try to sleep in your stomach.  Try to roll over.

4.) Wipe yourself, open a pill bottle, type, dial 911, make a fist, put in some contact lenses, find something in the back of a drawer, give a kid a bath, change a tire, and eat a lobster with two-inch long fingernails. 

5.) Wear a thong.  All day.  When you're already cranky.

6.) Wear pantyhose.  Control tops.  All day.  When you're already cranky.  And hot.

7.) Don't age past 30.

I think women should do whatever makes them feel good and sexy and happy.  I really do.  It's just a bummer that our version of sexiness = women who are debilitated, uncomfortable, and so weak from hunger that we can barely lift our lips up out of a pout.  When I'm queen, misogyny will be ugly, and all ladies who are too lazy to tend to their pantylines will be considered to have "rugged good looks."

 

 

 

Dear Jen,
There's this straight girl at the gym that I'm attracted to.  She acts really nervous around me (I'm androgynous, lean, muscular, obviously a lesbian).  She's skittish and switches her gaze away if we make eye contact, which is often.  I'm not certain if she's interested or homophobic, but the energy between us is intense.

We've never spoken, but we're both painfully aware of each other's whereabouts at all times.  Recognize that I'm a big introvert and a tough read, and she probably thinks I hate her since I obviously avoid her.  I want to put a note on her stairmaster that says "Truce."  I feel like I'm in 5th grade again. 

Any idea on how to approach her to find out if she's interested?
- Tiptoeing Through The Tulips 

Dear Tulips,
It's a thin line between love and homophobia.  And a blurry one between mature and juvenile.  You pretty much nailed it when you mentioned 5th grade - WTF?  What is it about sexual attraction, an allegedly "adult" experience, that sends many of us screaming back to the playground? 

The problem is, you're not in fifth grade anymore, which means you don't have the next five years to ignore her, flick boogers at her, or hang her by her undies in the locker room in hopes that when the big day comes, she'll go to the prom with you.

Guessing what someone else is thinking is high on my Big Fat Waste Of Time list.  You need to get on with it woman!  Introvert shmintrovert - you're being a weenie.  Not to say that it's not scary, because it is, but what's more scary than not living your life?  And how often do you meet someone who makes you sweat before you get on the stairmaster?

If the elephant in the room is indeed as large as you say it is, she won't find it strange if you go up and introduce yourself.  Perhaps you'll laugh about the intense non-back and forths you've had.  Perhaps it'll be the most awkward five seconds of your life and you'll turn to the heavens, fist in the air, screaming "damn you Jen Sincero!"  Perhaps she'll recoil in terror, covering her eyes and holding her breath, so as not to get any of your scary lesbo cooties on her.  

All I know is that if you do get up the cojones to break the ice, regardless of what happens, you will have conquered a fear, which is always cause for celebration.  And you will have made a new friend, acquaintance, lover, enemy, whatever - at least you'll know where you stand, which means you can begin focusing your energy in the right direction, rather than wasting it by treading water in the kiddy pool.